"Another Night, Another Ex"

I feel maybe I should stop making plans when I know I’ll see an ex, because that could just be where the drama stems from. The night out with Lyndsey, that I may have mentioned before, is a prime example.

I really tried not to think about her like that but I just couldn’t help it. I bought her several drinks, we danced a little, and held hands as we wandered through the crowds so we wouldn’t be split up.

“We’ll go in there later,” she told me, referring to the VW van the club had converted into a seating area. With all the drinks, conversations, dancing and hand holding I’d failed to remember about the boyfriend.

“I really wish she didn’t have a boyfriend.” I told our mutual friend Lara at the bar.

“I knew, I just knew, you would say that,” she replied, punching my arm, “Too little...”

“...Too late,” I said, finishing her sentence, “I know.” We grabbed our drinks from the bar and rejoined the group.

Lyndsey and I sat talking, and for some reason unknown to me, the conversation turned to Ella. A year on from mine and Lyndsey’s “on stage” kiss, Ella was still ignoring Lyndsey. Lyndsey delved and asked out our break up and what went on. Maybe she was just curious? So I told her. I was very honest about it all, and maybe that was a mistake but what could I do? I’d had a few too many vodka mixers.

Several more drinks later and I sat talking to another of our friends. “You still like Lyndsey don’t you?” She asked bluntly.

“How can I say I still like her? It’s been a year, and people and things change and move on.” Very diplomatic I thought.

“What is it then?” She continued.

“Well, I’m still interested, but would I commit, especially when she’s in a relationship? I don’t know.” She smiled. That answer obviously pleased her. “So tell me about the boy. What’s he like?” I wanted to know.

“Well, he’s my friend, and I think she likes him. But she’s already said tonight that she’d cheat on him...with you.”

And there it was: a window of hope? Then I had a thought: could I really be the other guy? With a few vodkas in my system I probably could. But I wouldn’t like to be cheated on, and I’m sure the new boy wouldn’t either. So after wandering to the next club with my arm round her waist, more hand holding, and some light petting, I drew the line. I can’t be coming home and trying to make it what it was a year ago. I need to let go, and definitely move on. And so I did...and I’m back in my beloved Leeds.

Friends, Lovers, Confidantes...

The Girls
Jaime: Was once the love of my life. We dated on and off and on and off for around two or three years, and after a whole lot of drama, we've both drawn the line and moved on. However, 'moving on' is itself filled with the drama, and she keeps popping back into my life.

Ella: We went out for around five months, and broke up last year amid claims she cheated. When the trust is gone, where can the relationship go? We still talk now and then, and it's all pretty friendly.

Lyndsey: We met a year and a half ago, she played Sandy to my Danny. I was with Ella at the time, but there was a definate spark. Things happened. We dated. And then we drifted apart. Although, recently saw her and was told by a friend of hers that she'd cheat on her new boyfriend with me...but I'm not about the cheating.

Faye: Faye is the most recent girl in my life. We meet when I moved to Leeds. We'd probably be in a relationship by now if it wasn't for Jaime holding me back. We had a few drunken fumbles and make out sessions. But who knows what will happen once I finally get back to the city.

The Guys
Glynn: My future roommate and close friend. He also lives in Leeds, and is one of my wingmen.

Noah2: We share the same name, and again, he's in the triangle with Glynn and I. Nights out can consist of me, Noah2, and Glynn.

Danny: My go-to guy when I need to vent. He lives in Newcastle and we still speak quite a lot.


The Friends That Are Girls
Madeline: Probably one of my closest girl friends. She knows pretty much everything, and one of the only two people I know in real life who know about the blog. Her advice is pretty sound, and our meet ups usually take place in the trusty old 'Stateside Diner' over coffee, pancakes and sometimes cocktails bar that my head, as well as my bank account, pays for the next day.

Kayla: The other of the two 'real people' who know about the blog, she features a lot, and sometimes I write about her mishaps in love as well as mine.

Skye: She is my tricky friend. Because I love her so much (we were once crushing on each other as teens) and we have this strong friendship that seems to always be tested with my recent disapproval of her long term boyfriend Aiden. I get so angered when she is treated like shit by him and seems to not care.


Of course, there are so many other people who pop up in the blog, but I'd say these were pretty much the stable characters who appear.

"Comfort"

After my night out with Lyndsey, from which I’d found out she’d cheat on her current boyfriend with me, and realising although I’d sleep with her, and Ella (hey, I’m only male), that I felt so comfortable in moving on from Jaime that I felt I could talk to her again. I’d told myself, and her, that in order for me to move on, and get over her, as she had done for me, that I just needed for her to not be in my life. She couldn’t text me when she was drunk, nor could I do that to her. I needed to simply erase her. Looking back, it was quite a harsh move, but it worked. Now, a simple Facebook message here or there couldn’t harm...could it? Well, that Facebook message turned into an IM conversation, which turned into an “I would love to see you before you go; lets meet for coffee.” Of course, that was paraphrasing, the real IM conversation is as below.

Jaime: Hey. How are you?
Noah: Hi. I’m good. And you?
Jaime: Also good.
Noah: So what’s going on? How are things right now?
Jaime: Things are good. Just enjoying being back for four weeks.
Noah: Four weeks? Wow! I’m back to Leeds on Saturday.
Jaime: That’s sad. I was hoping to see you before you left. Maybe go for a coffee?
Noah: Well I’m pretty busy up until about Thursday. Is Thursday afternoon any good, or even Friday daytime?
Jaime: Yeah, both are good for me.
Noah: Nice one. Starbucks?
Jaime: Of course. I’ve got to go. I’ll text you about Starbucks, I won’t forget, haha. Xx
Noah: Alright, well then I’ll be seeing you soon. X
Jaime: X
Noah: -awkward pause before signing out-


Was I being a total guy and reading too much into the kisses? Maybe it was nothing, but maybe it was something. I’m just hoping it wasn’t the something.
I’ve had a couple of realisations lately. One: I’m pretty glad that I’m not in a relationship with Jaime, because if I was, God knows how many times she’d have cheated on me by now. And two: long distance relationships sometimes suck, and I wouldn’t be able to mack on totally hot chicks (who are out of my league) like I did on Saturday.

"Ella, Enchanted?"

After I got home from seeing Ella, I was in a state of limbo about Ella. I wasn’t clear on anything, and I still wonder how things can change so fast. Maybe it was just the feeling of seeing her after not seeing her in so long that has made me question my feelings? Could it be my want for a relationship?

It’s confession time. When I got home, Ella texted me, and we kept texting or so for about an hour (can’t wait to see the bill...NOT!). General chit chat, small talk, she, or her parents, have a place in Turkey, she’s going in the next week...with Dairy Product Boy presumably.

Still, even though she loves him, (in the same way she said she loved me?) I couldn’t shake the thought of her. When I saw her there was still that something about her that I can only describe as enchanting - she was the only one I could focus on, the only one I wanted to focus on. She was in the spotlight and everyone surrounding her was in a blackout.

Now though, I’ve had a couple of days, and a night out with Lyndsey, to help me digest my feelings for Ella. They’ve been pushed to the side and I know nothing will ever happen with her while she is with the Cheesy. So, if the opportunity ever does I arrive, I can’t say I’d say no, nor can I say I’d say yes. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

"A Big Mistake?"

A couple of days ago I had to revisit my old stomping ground to collect a few documents. I tried to make myself as invisible as possible because of my history there and with the people who were still there (Ella, Lyndsey etc). That night, out of the blue, my Blackberry buzzed.

Ella: Hey, how are you?
Noah: I’m good, I’m home for a while, and you? Been up to much?
Ella: I’m also good. I’m going out tomorrow night. I can’t wait, I might see you. Are you at home right now?
Noah: Yeah I am, got back about a week ago. Where are you going, Liquid in Newcastle? Loads of people from the old stomping ground are going to be there
Ella: Yeah, Liquid. Never been before. How about you?
Noah: Liquid too.
Ella: Woah. Well...I might see you, I might not. Text me if you’re back at the old stomping ground.

Odd? I deleted the texts and took nothing from them, assuming her and her boyfriend would probably not venture to Liquid anymore.

The next night we queue-jumped, and on our way down to the ‘velvet rope’ I saw Ella with her boyfriend, who is nicknamed after dairy produce (cheese – when I first heard he went by ‘Cheesy’ the only thing I could think of was ‘cheesy dick’, and hence forth that was how I put him down to my friend, as all ex-boyfriends do about the new boyfriends). I hurried up and scuttled through the velvet rope. My leg was shaking, but I put it down to the cold. We had just walked from a bar on the other side of the city.

We got into Liquid, and like the queue had predicted, it was full – overly full. We couldn’t move. We made our way up to Envy, which was a balcony bar that overlooked Liquid’s dance floor, and considerably less packed. I easily slid into my old drunken ways. I swear, I don’t have a problem. We met up with Jayden, James, Chris and other guys from our old stomping ground and we hung out on the balcony while getting even drunker. I stood up, about to go to the bar, when I saw Ella, with Cheesy. I turned in hope she hadn’t seen me.

“Noah!” I looked up, pretending I hadn’t seen who shouted of me. “Noah!” She walked over, Cheesy following silently and unhappily behind her.

“Wow. Ella. How are you? How long did it take for you to get in?”

“Quite a while, but we’re in!”

“It’s really full isn’t it?” I kept asking questions in hope that there would be no awkward pauses. I glanced at Cheesy and he was stood, silent, and not even attempting to enter into the conversation.

“Yeah it is. Have you seen anyone?”

“Yeah I have: Chris, Jayden and few of the other guys. How about you?” Again, I asked another question.

“Um, no one.” There it was. The awkward pause I’d been expecting. She turned and said something to Cheesy.

“Well, I think we’re going to go to the bar, so I’ll see you around.” I interrupted. Brooke and I hurried through groups of people to the bar.

“Dude, my leg is shaking. My hands are. I’m trembling. Why?” I told Brooke. It was at the point I had a thought: had I made a big mistake a year ago?

"Too Little, Too Late"

It took a whole day or so for this whole ‘not caring’, and ‘just playing the field’ mentality to go out of the window. I come home to find out Lyndsey, who I was, and still am, meeting up with Saturday night (along with a couple of other friends) is ‘in a relationship’. I think I might actually be the walking advertisement for ‘too little, too late’. Example A - Ella got straight into a relationship about a month after we broke up and she’s sill with the guy – I’ve been talking with her, and I don’t want to say I like her again but there’s still definitely feelings there a year on. Lyndsey was single up until about a week ago – I don’t even know the guy. And Jaime...well, which guy is she with tonight? We won’t go there. I always am too little, too late. I always have been, but I’m determined not to be any longer. I think I need to start being more open with how I feel, laying my cards down on the table. Is rejection better than missing out on the ‘what could have been’ moments in life?

"Kiss Me, I'm (a Tiny Bit) Irish"

The past week or so has been a blur of drunken nights with other drunken people. I know, I know, my liver will pay for it...but it's just so fun!

I travelled home Thursday afternoon, so Thursday night was spent celebrating Brooke Carminetti's birthday. We dressed up as 'ravers' which was really just a throwback to the 80's - lots of neon and bright colours. I even brought out the Union Jack boxers I got for free in Magaluf, Spain. Brooke's friends turned out in force, except they didn't take it as seriously as Brady (Brooke's boyfriend) and I did. To be honest, I enjoyed the attention, even if it just was girls trying to scam glow sticks from me.

One girl stood out though, Jenna. She's an old friend of Brooke and Haley, and also knows Tanya, Kayla et al. Now Jenna, who's also a twin, was hot. Some girls are hot but they have shitty personalities, but Jenna has one that just makes you want to keep talking to her and you just can't help but find her even more attractive.

"How did I not meet her properly earlier in my life?" I told my friend Danny as we drove into Newcastle.

"Because you're friends didn't introduce you dumb ass." Danny replied. "How did Saturday night go?"

"Well, we to Newcastle again, this time it was a joint birthday night out for Haley and Brooke," I explained.

"Oh, because Haley had one in Leeds, whereas Brooke had one in Sunderland?"

"Precisely," I nodded. "So, we went to the Mushroom, and then onto Liquid."

"Was that girl there? The one who thought you were hot?" Danny asked.

"What girl? A lot of girls think I'm hot Danny." I said, with mock arrogance. "Haley's friend Laura, yeah?"

"That's the one!"

"Yeah she was. I tried my best my friend. Looking back it was a disaster, and there is photographic evidence too. Ah, it was pretty bad. But I'm hoping since I don't really remember it, no one else will."

Then St. Patricks Day. Everyone's favourite holiday, or excuse, to drink their bodyweight in Guinness, or whatever their poison is, and not be judged for it. "Hey, I can't help that I was arrested for being drunken and disorderly...it was St. Patrick's Day." Would that even work? I somehow doubt it. However, an offer to Digital in Newcastle was accepted, even more so when I found out Jenna would be there, and there I spent my St. Patricks Day scouting for girls (while trying to not look like an ass in front of Jenna) and drinking my bodyweight in cheap beer. Cheap beer + hot girls in skimpy green outfits = a very good St. Patrick's Day. Hopefully the luck of the Irish, a part of my heritage, will kick in soon.

"Stop & Stare"

Since the Jaime fiasco has died down, it's like I have become a new person. I no longer think about her every day, of course there are always going to be reminders that make me think of her: a certain song, a certain smell, a certain whatever. And I know that she'll always be my one weakness, that one girl that wherever you go, whatever you do, you know you'd always go back to her. And I'm alright with that. Because now I am no longer fixated on her, and waiting on her, and not wanting to start something else with someone else and saving myself (no, not like that) for her.

The Faye situation could have been something special, but I was still holding out for Jaime. Now that opportunity has passed, so I am slowly trying to work my way back into Faye's good books. Who knows what could happen, but I slightly have a good feeling about it. Until something happens though, I'm content with partying with the guys (Glynn, Oli, MJ etc) until then.

Although Jaime will always be that one weakness, that one girl you never quite get over but you can move on from, it's like I've rediscovered the pubescent teenager I was once. Girls...everywhere. And I'm no longer comparing them to Jaime. Blonde girls. Brunette girls. Boob girls. Ass girls. Girls girls. Girls. I've become some sort of horndog...but this can only be a positive step away from Jaime.

"You Think You Know"

After feeling so optimistic about Jaime, and not only having to move on, but wanting to move on, she came back to shit all over my optimism. A night after my conversation with Hayley, as I was settling down to sleep, my Blackberry buzzed. I would have usually left it but curiosity got the better of me.

J: Come on Noah, this is unhealthy. You can’t just end a few years of friendship.
N: I’m not ending it, I’m putting it on hold.
N: PS. I hope you had a nice birthday. - (I know how that sounds, but I honestly meant it in the nicest possible way.)
J: I can’t even tell whether you’re being sarcastic anymore. - (Come on, I’m not that evil.)
N: I’m not being sarcastic, I’m not evil. I meant it.
J: Well what about all of your status’?
N: Facebook? Really? – (At this point I couldn’t believe she was judging my emotions from the status on my Facebook profile...most of which are usually “Noah is trying to print photos.” Or “Noah is tired/hungover/hungry” (delete applicable.)
J: Yes. I just think it’s unhealthy Noah. We were good friends. And your Facebook status’ are very emotional.
N: Oh, I saw your friends post to you about a ‘certain someone’s status’. I take it that’s me? - (I didn’t snoop, honest, Facebook users out there will know if two friends are your friends it will occasionally post there wall post on your news feed.)
J: What? That’s not even about you!
N: Ok, well I’m sorry. – (Like fuck was I sorry.)
J: See! – (Yes, this texting session is over bitch...and I’m NEVER derogatory towards woman, I was brought up with respect.)

“At this point I was fuming!” I later relayed to Hayley’s twin Brooke. With maybe some intent to change her opinion on Jaime like mine had. “Argh, just thinking about it makes me mad. Then, she had the audacity to change her Facebook status to ‘Jaime thinks people shouldn’t read too much into things, and stop thinking it’s about them when it isn’t, and it also shows stalkerish tendencies.’ What. The. Fuck?”

“She really put that?” Brooke responded, in her high pitched voice.

“Yeah she did. On fucking Facebook too. It makes me feel like I’m back at school. Stupid drama over stupid things. It really has got to me, and it’s made me realise she isn’t the kind, loving girl I thought she was. If she had respect for me the way I had for her, she’d let me do what I need to do to move on.”

“Noah, she really isn’t, not only is she going out with Rory, but she’s been fooling around with another guy, AND,” Brooke paused, “She’s been sleeping with her flatmate. All during her relationship with Rory.”

“Well,” I tried to find words, “then she really isn’t, and I’m glad you told me, because this has just made such a difference in helping me move on, it really has! You think you know someone, but you really don’t have any idea.”

From that moment on, Noah lived happily ever after...without Jaime. The End.

"Getting There"

I arrived back in Leeds with the whole Jaime/Rory situation weighing heavily on my mind. Luckily, my friend Glynn was on hand to give me an ultimatum I actually wanted to hear.

“Look Noah. You can do two things. Sit in, sulk, and maybe even cry you pussy. Or you come and get drunk with me and Noah2.”

“What time do you want me to meet you?” was my answer. In theory this seemed like the perfect plan. Getting drunk with a few of the guys at Noah2’s house, beers, movies, PS3 – what could possibly go wrong?

A bottle of red later (wine, not any sort of poisonous substance), I staggered along the road to meet Glynn, who had bought with him a crate of 24 bottles of beer. “Heavy night or what?” I asked him.

“You know it.”

After watching ‘Run, Fat boy, Run’, Pro Evo on the PS and the 24 bottles of beer divided between the three of us, we decided to venture out onto a local indie night. Some familiar faces with even less familiar music. I staggered around the dance floor, clutching to a pint of beer as if my life depended on it. I’ve always been told that I never do know when to stop, and it’s true. I just don’t seem to have that mind set of “OK Noah, it’s time to stop.” And I’ve always told myself it will come back to haunt me. While I lost my friends, I entered into a texting conversation with Jaime. Cue the ‘stupid...’ comments.

N: Are you happy? (Referring to her earlier Facebook status.)
J: I really am.
N: Well, that’s all I needed to know.
J: Noah?
N: Look you’re happy, you’ve moved on. Can we just leave it? Like not speak.
J: Just leave it? You texted me! Look, you had your chance but you didn’t step up.
N: I didn’t step up? How many times have I stepped up in the past only to have people come in and shit all over it...you being one of them.
J: Why are you texting me now? Because I am actually happy?
N: Can we honestly just leave it. You’ve moved on. I deserve to also. I just hope you’re happy.

I left the club with Glynn, and we were just silent, but like it is with friends, it wasn’t awkward. And like me, the walk home made the city seem at peace too.

“After I’d sent that final text I honestly felt like a release, I stood taller, I looked at things different,” I told my flatmate A, “and it sounds corny, I do know that, but I just feel so good about it.”

“So you should Noah. If anyone deserves it, it’s you...you’re a nice guy.”

“If she’s happy, and she’s moved on, then why can’t I?” This line was almost becoming a mantra to me. Positive energy breeds positive effects.

Several days passed, and it seemed as if Jaime got what I was saying. Maybe she had begun to understand how I was feeling. My Blackberry buzzed. Hayley. Jaime must have told her.

After a lengthy recap of the situation I continued, “What I need is for her to not be in my life until I’m over her. That’s the only way I can get down to the heart of the matter, so to speak, and get over her.” I told Hayley on the phone.

“Yeah, but Noah you did have your chance...”

Before she could reply with anything else I cut her off, “And she had her chance. And she didn’t take it. And now we are where we are. She’s happy and I am...getting there.” Hayley “a-ha’d”, and I made excuses and took a shower.

That night, as the water splashed on my body, I felt it was almost cleansing me of whatever love feelings I had for Jaime and I was getting there...I was getting there.