Tuesday. 11pm. "Well what I'm saying is maybe I don't know how I feel anymore."
"Well what do you mean...you don't want to be with me?" Ella replied.
"Like I said, what I'm saying is that I don't know how I feel." There was a long pause. "Maybe it just isn't the right time for us..."
"So what are you saying, Noah?"
"Can you not hear me?"
"Yes, but you're confusing me, and scaring me...do you not want to be with me anymore?"
"That's the thing, I don't know..."
"So what do you want to do?" A sob could was audible over the line. And with that sob, my mind was changed. How could I be so heartless?
"Well lets just keep going and see how things go, because now you know how I feel." Click. I held my head in my hands. How could I lie to her? It was so easy...and I'd done it so many times before, but it seemed this time it was different...like this time it was more significant. At that time I could only ask myself: if something's not right, why carry on?
Friday. I'm in Birmingham. Ella is at home. I say at home, she'd gone out with friends. I'd been receiving text messages all Thursday and Friday telling me about her antics with other guys. Usually I'm not the jealous type, but this stuff always seems to happen when I'm away. I ring her.
"Ella, I think we need to talk."
"What about babe?"
"Well, what is it?"
"Just I've been hearing so much stuff from people and I don't know whether I trust you anymore."
"You don't trust me?" I could tell she was already slightly inebriated. "Well thats just great Noah. You've ruined my night out now."
"I'm sorry if I have, but I couldn't help BUT ruin your night out, I had to say it. I couldn't keep it in while people keep telling me all of these things about you."
"Who are these people?"
"My friends, who I trust. And I'm not going to bring them into it. All you need to know if that I don't trust you anymore."
I could hear crying. And it felt awful. But after the three glasses of red wine I'd had, I didn't care. I needed to be honest, not just to her, but to myself also. I couldn't carry on living with this facade of a relationship.
I told her we needed to talk, and agreed to meet for coffee the following day.
After parting ways over two grande Breakfast Tea's, it was over. The four month relationship was over. It felt as if a weight had been lifted from my mind. I felt a genuine happiness that I hadn't felt since the start of our relationship. It was over.