"Always Too Late"

A couple of weeks back I travelled down to Leeds to visit the housemates. We ended up randomly painting our living room... So, we now have a feature wall. Pretty sophisticated if you ask me.

One of my other reasons for going down was to see Faye. Since moving home for this job I haven’t stopped thinking about her. Well, I obviously have, but every so often she’d crop up in my mind. Little reminders such as the perfume someone was wearing to their accent all brought me back to memories of her. A couple of days before my visit I received a text message from her. Spelling mistakes aside, I thought she might be drunk.

Faye: “Mr Noah. You better be in Leeds on Thursday or else! ;-) xxxx”
Noah: “Yeah I’ll be there. As well as Wednesday, Friday and Saturday xxx”

So let’s just cut to the chase, whilst decorating my housemates phone buzzes. It’s Faye. So she asks me to pass her the phone but I already slid it open and saw the text which says:

Faye: “Oh, I forgot to tell you too, as of yesterday Chris and I are official.”

“Who is it?” my housemate asked.

Stumbling over my words I said, “Fayola.” Fayola? What. The. Flip?

That night we met up with Faye at her house for pre-drinks. The drunker she got the more she flirted. And as we walked to the bars, she was being very tactile. There was interlinking hand holding (oh yeah, try saying that when you’re drunk), butt slapping and lots of couple type hugging (you know the type, the way couples hug and not the way friends or family hug). Confusing signals. All the while I knew that she had this boyfriend.

You would have thought that Jaime would have made me learn my lesson, obviously not. Fooling me twice, well that’s a shame on me.

The train ride home was somber. I could only ask myself: what do I do now? The only tangible avenue I can take is moving on (which I'm pretty much good at now). But who knows what will come once my job is up and I get back down to Leeds.

"Lesson Learned"

Note to self: when planning on getting drunk do not take any personal belongings. On three seperate occasions now I've lost personal belongings when drunk. First my wallet, second my iPod, and now my house keys. Thank God I'd taken my car key off the keyring before I left the house...that coulda be trouble.

"A Reminder"

Seeing photos of Jaime with her boyfriend Rory was always going to shake me a little. So when a new photo album from their trip to Portsmouth popped up, I was intrigued to look. Even though I knew it would hurt, I had to look anyway. Curiosity got the better of me, I guess. And I found exactly what I expected: the “couple” photos.

There were photos of them in embraces, kissing, holding hands and frolicking on the beach. And it did hurt. Thoughts of ‘that could have been me’ went through my head. I suddenly felt something come over me. Then I had a thought: I was glad that wasn’t me in the photo. Jaime looked happy, but what she was doing while she wasn’t around Rory told a very different story. Seeing Rory looking blissfully happy, I felt this overwhelming pity. Doesn’t he have the right to know what his beloved girlfriend has been doing?

I brought it up with my friend Kayla. “Haley says that she really loves Rory though.”

“If she really loved him, which I doubt she actually does, she would respect him and wouldn’t cheat on him.”

“True dat bro, true dat,” I replied, with a smile.
Knowing what I know, the ‘what could have been’ with Jaime has now become the ‘what I wouldn’t have wanted’...and right now, with Jaime, that’s the way I like it.

"Stupid Girl"

Ex-girlfriend Ella has now become Ex-Friend Ella. I found out at a party I attended a week ago, while I was trying to hook up with one of her friends (who incidentally didn’t know I was Ella’s ex), that she’d told everyone I was gay after I broke up with her. Being slightly wasted and I didn’t really know how to process the info. So, I did what any intoxicated person would: I got even drunker, while composing a text message that would sum up perfectly how I felt.

N: “You told everyone I was gay? WTF?”

Perfect, huh? No, I didn’t get a reply. No, I haven’t spoken to her since, nor do I intend to, unless it is of course confronting her (which I do intend on doing).

But, this little drama has raised a few questions for me. There is the age old question of can you ever really be friends with your ex? After breaking up with Ella and keeping in touch and staying friendly, I thought it was possible, but apparently this isn’t the case. Also, for a good Christian girl, supposedly, how can she be vicious? Well, that’s her going to hell then.

"The Single Stigma"

Something I've noticed lately, that I hadn't taken that much notice of before, is the stigma attached to being ‘single’. Whether it be the look of pity that comes over someone’s eyes as they find out you’re without a partner or whether it’s expectation that if you’re on your own your partner must have come to the party on your own. No, I came on my own, and I’m proud to admit it. I’m not an invalid, and I don’t need to be taken places.

Over the past few months, since I came home, I’ve been to several family gatherings, which means getting to see family members I haven’t seen in quite some time. And of course I get the inevitable questions: how are you? Good health? How is Leeds? How is work? And then onto the question I don’t care for: so you’re still single then? And, don’t you have a girlfriend then?

“No...no girlfriend.” I reply.

And the look of pity crosses their faces. I should say that it’s my choice to be single and that I enjoy the lifestyle I lead, but on the other hand I shouldn’t have to defend myself, or justify the decisions I decide to make. If they want to pity me let them do it. At the end of the day, they can’t go out any night of the week and party like the best of them.

The look of pity I receive so often comes from, in my opinion, people assuming that your choice to be single is the only choice you have. No one wants you. When in fact, I could be in a relationship right now, but when it came to choosing, I found myself not ready to give up the liberties you have when you’re single. I love the single life, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I love that I don’t have to fight with anyone about what DVD we’re going to watch. I love walking around the city on my own, admiring the sites. I love not having to discuss my plans with anyone in case it clashes with their plans. I love being an ‘I’ and not a ‘we’. I love ‘table for one’ dinner parties...OK, not so much with the last one, but I think you get my point.

At another of the said family gatherings my uncle, who is a twice married, twice divorced Rod Stewart wannabe, invited my cousins (who all have girlfriends) to a dinner party he was having for his girlfriend (can people over 40 still refer to their partners as girlfriend/boyfriend?) and even though I was in the room, sitting next to one of my cousins, he failed to invite me and left the room. In the wake of this, I realised several things. The first being that, apart from my one year old cousin, I am the only single family member left. The second is that because I’m single I’m apparently not very good company and not eligible to dinner parties thrown by the serial dater that is my uncle. Are single people considered lepers? Overreaction, I know. But still, it was obviously the reason why I wasn’t included...but that’s not to say I would have gone anyway. It’s the principle people.

"76 Days Later"

A whole bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks since my last blog and I feel no further forward, nor do I feel I’ve gone back. In that bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks I had a one night stand (with Haley’s friend) and then reconciled with Faye because of that one night stand, and by reconciliation I mean we kissed, and drunkenly discussed a relationship before she ran home – as the cool kids would say: WTF? I moved home for a job opportunity with my friend Ashley which will last until September. Oh, and I also had an encounter with Jaime...twice.

The first time was when she came to Leeds to visit Haley. I rejected an invitation for a night out with them and settled for picking her up from the train station, slightly awkward conversation with her over cappuccinos, and watching Indy tackle the Temple of Doom with Glynn (who is moving into a new house with us when our lease at our flat is up.) The next morning I met Haley and Jaime and found out she’d basically drunk too much wine, and ended up losing her purse, ID’s and bank cards. Is it nasty if I call it karma? She saw me and hugged me (awkward...) and started sobbing onto my shoulder. I offered her a hoody (my good deed for the day).

The next was when Haley invited me to Tiger Tiger in Newcastle with Jaime. I had work, serving people pints of beer and cocktails, so decided to head over after work after knocking off early (it was a Monday so we weren’t particularly busy.) Being the designated driver for the evening, having driven straight from work changing my t-shirt in the car park adjacent to St. James’ Park, I was on Red Bull. And after some shameless dancing with an inebriated Jaime and Haley, we called it a night at 3am and headed home. I dropped Haley off first, almost on purpose just to see what, if anything would happen between Jaime and me...masochist I know!

Jaime: Your iPod...every song...ugh...it’s like we have the same mind.
Noah: Well I’m glad you like the songs.
Jaime: You need to send me them, or...make me a CD.
Noah: Sure thing.
-silence as we pulled up to her house-
Jaime: You just get it Noah.
Noah: What?
Jaime: Everything. You just get IT!
Noah: Really? Well that’s cool.
-pause-
Jaime: I’ve missed you.
-Jaime hugs me, awkwardly leaning over gear stick and hand break-
Jaime: I really have. I have missed you.
-I try to dislodge from embrace and there is a ‘moment’ the type of ‘moment’ that happens before a kiss ensues, I break said ‘moment’ by pulling away-
Jaime: I really have missed you, you know.
Noah: I know.
Jaime: Well stop being such a guy about it and get emotional.
Noah: Well, I’ve missed you too. (It was half true, I sort of had missed her.)

We hugged, said our goodbyes, and Jaime added: “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

I relayed all of this to Haley over coffee and all she could say was “Poor Rory, Jaime might be a good friend, but she’s such a bad girlfriend.”

So, 76 days since my last blog and where am I? No further forward than I am back? I don’t know. I’m happy being single. Let’s leave it at that...

"Boys Will Be Boys"

For the first time in an extremely long time I can honestly say I have no romantic interests in my life. During lunch with Haley (my treat), in which she was relaying the tales of her love life to me, she asked, “So Noah, any girls in your life? Ella? Lara? Faye?”

“Actually, no, there isn’t. Wow.” I paused. “For the first time in a long time I can say I don’t have a girl in my life.” I couldn’t tell whether that was a moment of pride, or horror. “So...this is what playing the field feels like. It feels good.”

That night Glynn, Noah2, and several others had a ‘Guys Night Out’. Around 8ish I headed to Glyn’s flat and drinking games ensued. Looking back, it was a silly idea. I was drunk before I knew it, as was Glyn et al.

Drinking games finished and we headed down to the taxi that took us to Oceana. We jumped the line thanks to my marvellous blagging skills and in we were. We spent a few hours in there, being rowdy like guys are, and after a discussion on the smoking terrace (damn Noah2 being a smoker) the decision was made to head to a strip club.

A city like Leeds is home to a few strip clubs, and we ended up in Blue Coyote. Too much money spent (and several private dances) later, the sun was rising and Glyn, Shaun and I got a taxi home. After a lengthy sleep, my Blackberry buzzing woke me up.

“Noah. Bar Risa for Noah2’s birthday tonight. Be at mine for 8.30ish.” Damn you, Glynn, I was sleeping.

That night turned out to be a drunken flashbacks of bouncing round with Proudy, scoring free hot dogs, eating subway, wrestling with Glynn in the VIP section of Halo, while attempting to dance to ‘Piece of Me’ by Britney Spears. And then my memory keeps slightly less hazy when we get to Red Leopard. Another strip club, but hey, boys will be boys.

The girls were doing their rounds when one spotted my eye. She looked very familiar, but still hot, well, as hot as strippers can in their underwear at 4 in the morning. She made her way over, and offered me a dance. I took her up on her offer and away we went.

While sorting the finance out, she made small talk.

“I feel like I’ve seen you before. You look really familiar.”

“I was thinking that about you.” I replied.

“I mean, it’s not often we get good looking guys like you in here.”

Oh yeah? I bet she says that to everyone, I thought to myself.

In the middle of the dance, she leaned towards me and whispered to me, “If you see me around, you’re not allowed to tell anyone.”

What? There she was with her lady bits in my face asking me to respect her privacy? Ok then.

So, after the lengthy, and very expensive, nights out, this past week I’ve been curbing my appetite for partying to do laundry and catch up with TV. Also, I’m giving my poor liver a rest, because, you know, you only get one liver.

"The 'Date' That Never Was"

‘Date day’ with Jaime came and went, and at 10.30pm that night my Blackberry buzzed.

“Hi. I’m so sorry I didn’t text you. Had one those stressful days today where you lose faith in humanity. I’m in a mood and I know I’m shit for not texting you. I really wanted to see you before you left for Leeds. Have a safe journey. Xxxx”

Needless to say, I didn’t reply. I hadn’t expected her to text so when she didn’t I got on with what tasks needed completing: laundry, packing, train tickets etc. While we’re talking about trains, a train metaphor for you: Noah’s train has left Jaime’s station (double entendre or what?) and is slowly moving further and further away. I can’t wait to reach my next station, which will hopefully not be another station marked by Jaime. Has the sun truly set on Jaime?

"Another Night, Another Ex"

I feel maybe I should stop making plans when I know I’ll see an ex, because that could just be where the drama stems from. The night out with Lyndsey, that I may have mentioned before, is a prime example.

I really tried not to think about her like that but I just couldn’t help it. I bought her several drinks, we danced a little, and held hands as we wandered through the crowds so we wouldn’t be split up.

“We’ll go in there later,” she told me, referring to the VW van the club had converted into a seating area. With all the drinks, conversations, dancing and hand holding I’d failed to remember about the boyfriend.

“I really wish she didn’t have a boyfriend.” I told our mutual friend Lara at the bar.

“I knew, I just knew, you would say that,” she replied, punching my arm, “Too little...”

“...Too late,” I said, finishing her sentence, “I know.” We grabbed our drinks from the bar and rejoined the group.

Lyndsey and I sat talking, and for some reason unknown to me, the conversation turned to Ella. A year on from mine and Lyndsey’s “on stage” kiss, Ella was still ignoring Lyndsey. Lyndsey delved and asked out our break up and what went on. Maybe she was just curious? So I told her. I was very honest about it all, and maybe that was a mistake but what could I do? I’d had a few too many vodka mixers.

Several more drinks later and I sat talking to another of our friends. “You still like Lyndsey don’t you?” She asked bluntly.

“How can I say I still like her? It’s been a year, and people and things change and move on.” Very diplomatic I thought.

“What is it then?” She continued.

“Well, I’m still interested, but would I commit, especially when she’s in a relationship? I don’t know.” She smiled. That answer obviously pleased her. “So tell me about the boy. What’s he like?” I wanted to know.

“Well, he’s my friend, and I think she likes him. But she’s already said tonight that she’d cheat on him...with you.”

And there it was: a window of hope? Then I had a thought: could I really be the other guy? With a few vodkas in my system I probably could. But I wouldn’t like to be cheated on, and I’m sure the new boy wouldn’t either. So after wandering to the next club with my arm round her waist, more hand holding, and some light petting, I drew the line. I can’t be coming home and trying to make it what it was a year ago. I need to let go, and definitely move on. And so I did...and I’m back in my beloved Leeds.

Friends, Lovers, Confidantes...

The Girls
Jaime: Was once the love of my life. We dated on and off and on and off for around two or three years, and after a whole lot of drama, we've both drawn the line and moved on. However, 'moving on' is itself filled with the drama, and she keeps popping back into my life.

Ella: We went out for around five months, and broke up last year amid claims she cheated. When the trust is gone, where can the relationship go? We still talk now and then, and it's all pretty friendly.

Lyndsey: We met a year and a half ago, she played Sandy to my Danny. I was with Ella at the time, but there was a definate spark. Things happened. We dated. And then we drifted apart. Although, recently saw her and was told by a friend of hers that she'd cheat on her new boyfriend with me...but I'm not about the cheating.

Faye: Faye is the most recent girl in my life. We meet when I moved to Leeds. We'd probably be in a relationship by now if it wasn't for Jaime holding me back. We had a few drunken fumbles and make out sessions. But who knows what will happen once I finally get back to the city.

The Guys
Glynn: My future roommate and close friend. He also lives in Leeds, and is one of my wingmen.

Noah2: We share the same name, and again, he's in the triangle with Glynn and I. Nights out can consist of me, Noah2, and Glynn.

Danny: My go-to guy when I need to vent. He lives in Newcastle and we still speak quite a lot.


The Friends That Are Girls
Madeline: Probably one of my closest girl friends. She knows pretty much everything, and one of the only two people I know in real life who know about the blog. Her advice is pretty sound, and our meet ups usually take place in the trusty old 'Stateside Diner' over coffee, pancakes and sometimes cocktails bar that my head, as well as my bank account, pays for the next day.

Kayla: The other of the two 'real people' who know about the blog, she features a lot, and sometimes I write about her mishaps in love as well as mine.

Skye: She is my tricky friend. Because I love her so much (we were once crushing on each other as teens) and we have this strong friendship that seems to always be tested with my recent disapproval of her long term boyfriend Aiden. I get so angered when she is treated like shit by him and seems to not care.


Of course, there are so many other people who pop up in the blog, but I'd say these were pretty much the stable characters who appear.

"Comfort"

After my night out with Lyndsey, from which I’d found out she’d cheat on her current boyfriend with me, and realising although I’d sleep with her, and Ella (hey, I’m only male), that I felt so comfortable in moving on from Jaime that I felt I could talk to her again. I’d told myself, and her, that in order for me to move on, and get over her, as she had done for me, that I just needed for her to not be in my life. She couldn’t text me when she was drunk, nor could I do that to her. I needed to simply erase her. Looking back, it was quite a harsh move, but it worked. Now, a simple Facebook message here or there couldn’t harm...could it? Well, that Facebook message turned into an IM conversation, which turned into an “I would love to see you before you go; lets meet for coffee.” Of course, that was paraphrasing, the real IM conversation is as below.

Jaime: Hey. How are you?
Noah: Hi. I’m good. And you?
Jaime: Also good.
Noah: So what’s going on? How are things right now?
Jaime: Things are good. Just enjoying being back for four weeks.
Noah: Four weeks? Wow! I’m back to Leeds on Saturday.
Jaime: That’s sad. I was hoping to see you before you left. Maybe go for a coffee?
Noah: Well I’m pretty busy up until about Thursday. Is Thursday afternoon any good, or even Friday daytime?
Jaime: Yeah, both are good for me.
Noah: Nice one. Starbucks?
Jaime: Of course. I’ve got to go. I’ll text you about Starbucks, I won’t forget, haha. Xx
Noah: Alright, well then I’ll be seeing you soon. X
Jaime: X
Noah: -awkward pause before signing out-


Was I being a total guy and reading too much into the kisses? Maybe it was nothing, but maybe it was something. I’m just hoping it wasn’t the something.
I’ve had a couple of realisations lately. One: I’m pretty glad that I’m not in a relationship with Jaime, because if I was, God knows how many times she’d have cheated on me by now. And two: long distance relationships sometimes suck, and I wouldn’t be able to mack on totally hot chicks (who are out of my league) like I did on Saturday.

"Ella, Enchanted?"

After I got home from seeing Ella, I was in a state of limbo about Ella. I wasn’t clear on anything, and I still wonder how things can change so fast. Maybe it was just the feeling of seeing her after not seeing her in so long that has made me question my feelings? Could it be my want for a relationship?

It’s confession time. When I got home, Ella texted me, and we kept texting or so for about an hour (can’t wait to see the bill...NOT!). General chit chat, small talk, she, or her parents, have a place in Turkey, she’s going in the next week...with Dairy Product Boy presumably.

Still, even though she loves him, (in the same way she said she loved me?) I couldn’t shake the thought of her. When I saw her there was still that something about her that I can only describe as enchanting - she was the only one I could focus on, the only one I wanted to focus on. She was in the spotlight and everyone surrounding her was in a blackout.

Now though, I’ve had a couple of days, and a night out with Lyndsey, to help me digest my feelings for Ella. They’ve been pushed to the side and I know nothing will ever happen with her while she is with the Cheesy. So, if the opportunity ever does I arrive, I can’t say I’d say no, nor can I say I’d say yes. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

"A Big Mistake?"

A couple of days ago I had to revisit my old stomping ground to collect a few documents. I tried to make myself as invisible as possible because of my history there and with the people who were still there (Ella, Lyndsey etc). That night, out of the blue, my Blackberry buzzed.

Ella: Hey, how are you?
Noah: I’m good, I’m home for a while, and you? Been up to much?
Ella: I’m also good. I’m going out tomorrow night. I can’t wait, I might see you. Are you at home right now?
Noah: Yeah I am, got back about a week ago. Where are you going, Liquid in Newcastle? Loads of people from the old stomping ground are going to be there
Ella: Yeah, Liquid. Never been before. How about you?
Noah: Liquid too.
Ella: Woah. Well...I might see you, I might not. Text me if you’re back at the old stomping ground.

Odd? I deleted the texts and took nothing from them, assuming her and her boyfriend would probably not venture to Liquid anymore.

The next night we queue-jumped, and on our way down to the ‘velvet rope’ I saw Ella with her boyfriend, who is nicknamed after dairy produce (cheese – when I first heard he went by ‘Cheesy’ the only thing I could think of was ‘cheesy dick’, and hence forth that was how I put him down to my friend, as all ex-boyfriends do about the new boyfriends). I hurried up and scuttled through the velvet rope. My leg was shaking, but I put it down to the cold. We had just walked from a bar on the other side of the city.

We got into Liquid, and like the queue had predicted, it was full – overly full. We couldn’t move. We made our way up to Envy, which was a balcony bar that overlooked Liquid’s dance floor, and considerably less packed. I easily slid into my old drunken ways. I swear, I don’t have a problem. We met up with Jayden, James, Chris and other guys from our old stomping ground and we hung out on the balcony while getting even drunker. I stood up, about to go to the bar, when I saw Ella, with Cheesy. I turned in hope she hadn’t seen me.

“Noah!” I looked up, pretending I hadn’t seen who shouted of me. “Noah!” She walked over, Cheesy following silently and unhappily behind her.

“Wow. Ella. How are you? How long did it take for you to get in?”

“Quite a while, but we’re in!”

“It’s really full isn’t it?” I kept asking questions in hope that there would be no awkward pauses. I glanced at Cheesy and he was stood, silent, and not even attempting to enter into the conversation.

“Yeah it is. Have you seen anyone?”

“Yeah I have: Chris, Jayden and few of the other guys. How about you?” Again, I asked another question.

“Um, no one.” There it was. The awkward pause I’d been expecting. She turned and said something to Cheesy.

“Well, I think we’re going to go to the bar, so I’ll see you around.” I interrupted. Brooke and I hurried through groups of people to the bar.

“Dude, my leg is shaking. My hands are. I’m trembling. Why?” I told Brooke. It was at the point I had a thought: had I made a big mistake a year ago?

"Too Little, Too Late"

It took a whole day or so for this whole ‘not caring’, and ‘just playing the field’ mentality to go out of the window. I come home to find out Lyndsey, who I was, and still am, meeting up with Saturday night (along with a couple of other friends) is ‘in a relationship’. I think I might actually be the walking advertisement for ‘too little, too late’. Example A - Ella got straight into a relationship about a month after we broke up and she’s sill with the guy – I’ve been talking with her, and I don’t want to say I like her again but there’s still definitely feelings there a year on. Lyndsey was single up until about a week ago – I don’t even know the guy. And Jaime...well, which guy is she with tonight? We won’t go there. I always am too little, too late. I always have been, but I’m determined not to be any longer. I think I need to start being more open with how I feel, laying my cards down on the table. Is rejection better than missing out on the ‘what could have been’ moments in life?

"Kiss Me, I'm (a Tiny Bit) Irish"

The past week or so has been a blur of drunken nights with other drunken people. I know, I know, my liver will pay for it...but it's just so fun!

I travelled home Thursday afternoon, so Thursday night was spent celebrating Brooke Carminetti's birthday. We dressed up as 'ravers' which was really just a throwback to the 80's - lots of neon and bright colours. I even brought out the Union Jack boxers I got for free in Magaluf, Spain. Brooke's friends turned out in force, except they didn't take it as seriously as Brady (Brooke's boyfriend) and I did. To be honest, I enjoyed the attention, even if it just was girls trying to scam glow sticks from me.

One girl stood out though, Jenna. She's an old friend of Brooke and Haley, and also knows Tanya, Kayla et al. Now Jenna, who's also a twin, was hot. Some girls are hot but they have shitty personalities, but Jenna has one that just makes you want to keep talking to her and you just can't help but find her even more attractive.

"How did I not meet her properly earlier in my life?" I told my friend Danny as we drove into Newcastle.

"Because you're friends didn't introduce you dumb ass." Danny replied. "How did Saturday night go?"

"Well, we to Newcastle again, this time it was a joint birthday night out for Haley and Brooke," I explained.

"Oh, because Haley had one in Leeds, whereas Brooke had one in Sunderland?"

"Precisely," I nodded. "So, we went to the Mushroom, and then onto Liquid."

"Was that girl there? The one who thought you were hot?" Danny asked.

"What girl? A lot of girls think I'm hot Danny." I said, with mock arrogance. "Haley's friend Laura, yeah?"

"That's the one!"

"Yeah she was. I tried my best my friend. Looking back it was a disaster, and there is photographic evidence too. Ah, it was pretty bad. But I'm hoping since I don't really remember it, no one else will."

Then St. Patricks Day. Everyone's favourite holiday, or excuse, to drink their bodyweight in Guinness, or whatever their poison is, and not be judged for it. "Hey, I can't help that I was arrested for being drunken and disorderly...it was St. Patrick's Day." Would that even work? I somehow doubt it. However, an offer to Digital in Newcastle was accepted, even more so when I found out Jenna would be there, and there I spent my St. Patricks Day scouting for girls (while trying to not look like an ass in front of Jenna) and drinking my bodyweight in cheap beer. Cheap beer + hot girls in skimpy green outfits = a very good St. Patrick's Day. Hopefully the luck of the Irish, a part of my heritage, will kick in soon.

"Stop & Stare"

Since the Jaime fiasco has died down, it's like I have become a new person. I no longer think about her every day, of course there are always going to be reminders that make me think of her: a certain song, a certain smell, a certain whatever. And I know that she'll always be my one weakness, that one girl that wherever you go, whatever you do, you know you'd always go back to her. And I'm alright with that. Because now I am no longer fixated on her, and waiting on her, and not wanting to start something else with someone else and saving myself (no, not like that) for her.

The Faye situation could have been something special, but I was still holding out for Jaime. Now that opportunity has passed, so I am slowly trying to work my way back into Faye's good books. Who knows what could happen, but I slightly have a good feeling about it. Until something happens though, I'm content with partying with the guys (Glynn, Oli, MJ etc) until then.

Although Jaime will always be that one weakness, that one girl you never quite get over but you can move on from, it's like I've rediscovered the pubescent teenager I was once. Girls...everywhere. And I'm no longer comparing them to Jaime. Blonde girls. Brunette girls. Boob girls. Ass girls. Girls girls. Girls. I've become some sort of horndog...but this can only be a positive step away from Jaime.

"You Think You Know"

After feeling so optimistic about Jaime, and not only having to move on, but wanting to move on, she came back to shit all over my optimism. A night after my conversation with Hayley, as I was settling down to sleep, my Blackberry buzzed. I would have usually left it but curiosity got the better of me.

J: Come on Noah, this is unhealthy. You can’t just end a few years of friendship.
N: I’m not ending it, I’m putting it on hold.
N: PS. I hope you had a nice birthday. - (I know how that sounds, but I honestly meant it in the nicest possible way.)
J: I can’t even tell whether you’re being sarcastic anymore. - (Come on, I’m not that evil.)
N: I’m not being sarcastic, I’m not evil. I meant it.
J: Well what about all of your status’?
N: Facebook? Really? – (At this point I couldn’t believe she was judging my emotions from the status on my Facebook profile...most of which are usually “Noah is trying to print photos.” Or “Noah is tired/hungover/hungry” (delete applicable.)
J: Yes. I just think it’s unhealthy Noah. We were good friends. And your Facebook status’ are very emotional.
N: Oh, I saw your friends post to you about a ‘certain someone’s status’. I take it that’s me? - (I didn’t snoop, honest, Facebook users out there will know if two friends are your friends it will occasionally post there wall post on your news feed.)
J: What? That’s not even about you!
N: Ok, well I’m sorry. – (Like fuck was I sorry.)
J: See! – (Yes, this texting session is over bitch...and I’m NEVER derogatory towards woman, I was brought up with respect.)

“At this point I was fuming!” I later relayed to Hayley’s twin Brooke. With maybe some intent to change her opinion on Jaime like mine had. “Argh, just thinking about it makes me mad. Then, she had the audacity to change her Facebook status to ‘Jaime thinks people shouldn’t read too much into things, and stop thinking it’s about them when it isn’t, and it also shows stalkerish tendencies.’ What. The. Fuck?”

“She really put that?” Brooke responded, in her high pitched voice.

“Yeah she did. On fucking Facebook too. It makes me feel like I’m back at school. Stupid drama over stupid things. It really has got to me, and it’s made me realise she isn’t the kind, loving girl I thought she was. If she had respect for me the way I had for her, she’d let me do what I need to do to move on.”

“Noah, she really isn’t, not only is she going out with Rory, but she’s been fooling around with another guy, AND,” Brooke paused, “She’s been sleeping with her flatmate. All during her relationship with Rory.”

“Well,” I tried to find words, “then she really isn’t, and I’m glad you told me, because this has just made such a difference in helping me move on, it really has! You think you know someone, but you really don’t have any idea.”

From that moment on, Noah lived happily ever after...without Jaime. The End.

"Getting There"

I arrived back in Leeds with the whole Jaime/Rory situation weighing heavily on my mind. Luckily, my friend Glynn was on hand to give me an ultimatum I actually wanted to hear.

“Look Noah. You can do two things. Sit in, sulk, and maybe even cry you pussy. Or you come and get drunk with me and Noah2.”

“What time do you want me to meet you?” was my answer. In theory this seemed like the perfect plan. Getting drunk with a few of the guys at Noah2’s house, beers, movies, PS3 – what could possibly go wrong?

A bottle of red later (wine, not any sort of poisonous substance), I staggered along the road to meet Glynn, who had bought with him a crate of 24 bottles of beer. “Heavy night or what?” I asked him.

“You know it.”

After watching ‘Run, Fat boy, Run’, Pro Evo on the PS and the 24 bottles of beer divided between the three of us, we decided to venture out onto a local indie night. Some familiar faces with even less familiar music. I staggered around the dance floor, clutching to a pint of beer as if my life depended on it. I’ve always been told that I never do know when to stop, and it’s true. I just don’t seem to have that mind set of “OK Noah, it’s time to stop.” And I’ve always told myself it will come back to haunt me. While I lost my friends, I entered into a texting conversation with Jaime. Cue the ‘stupid...’ comments.

N: Are you happy? (Referring to her earlier Facebook status.)
J: I really am.
N: Well, that’s all I needed to know.
J: Noah?
N: Look you’re happy, you’ve moved on. Can we just leave it? Like not speak.
J: Just leave it? You texted me! Look, you had your chance but you didn’t step up.
N: I didn’t step up? How many times have I stepped up in the past only to have people come in and shit all over it...you being one of them.
J: Why are you texting me now? Because I am actually happy?
N: Can we honestly just leave it. You’ve moved on. I deserve to also. I just hope you’re happy.

I left the club with Glynn, and we were just silent, but like it is with friends, it wasn’t awkward. And like me, the walk home made the city seem at peace too.

“After I’d sent that final text I honestly felt like a release, I stood taller, I looked at things different,” I told my flatmate A, “and it sounds corny, I do know that, but I just feel so good about it.”

“So you should Noah. If anyone deserves it, it’s you...you’re a nice guy.”

“If she’s happy, and she’s moved on, then why can’t I?” This line was almost becoming a mantra to me. Positive energy breeds positive effects.

Several days passed, and it seemed as if Jaime got what I was saying. Maybe she had begun to understand how I was feeling. My Blackberry buzzed. Hayley. Jaime must have told her.

After a lengthy recap of the situation I continued, “What I need is for her to not be in my life until I’m over her. That’s the only way I can get down to the heart of the matter, so to speak, and get over her.” I told Hayley on the phone.

“Yeah, but Noah you did have your chance...”

Before she could reply with anything else I cut her off, “And she had her chance. And she didn’t take it. And now we are where we are. She’s happy and I am...getting there.” Hayley “a-ha’d”, and I made excuses and took a shower.

That night, as the water splashed on my body, I felt it was almost cleansing me of whatever love feelings I had for Jaime and I was getting there...I was getting there.

"Valentines, Shamlentines"

It has been said that you should follow your gut instincts and I do try to do that. After getting the feeling that Jaime hadn't really been willing to talk to me, with little to no contact since our vague plans of me going to stay with her, my hope was renewed when I was made aware that she'd written on my wall (not my actual wall, Facebook of course.)

"And how's Noah doing? I hope you're well. xx"

Nice, friendly, and polite. Good stuff. Slowly working my way back, I thought to myself. I'd later ask myself the question all guys want to know the answer to, or at least be given a clue towards: why are women so confusing?

I hadn't had much time to think about Jaime with my mother's birthday fast approaching and trying to organise my travel arrangements home, so I half heartedly kept returning her comments.

After travelling home with a not-so-well known CBBC TV presenter, via train, bus and another train thanks to overhead cables fucking me over, I got home three hours later than planned. Just in time to celebrate my mother's birthday, she cracked open a bottle of bubbly. What a lovely homecoming, or so I thought.

"I have this little theory," I once told my new friend Glynn, "that every time I come home something always goes wrong. Friends have changed. I've changed. Travelling is a nightmare. Something tends to go wrong, and I'm never sure whether I'm just over thinking it or whether that's just my luck." Since Ben’s departure, since which I hadn’t spoken to him, Glynn had fast become a good friend of mine.

After a good night’s sleep, which was desperately needed, I woke up to news I’d sort of expected, but still didn’t want to hear.

“Noah!! I have gossip for you. Text me back and I’ll ring you. Haley x”

Oh great, Valentine’s Day and I’m about to hear something about two people I probably don’t care about and how they hooked up and it was hot, I thought to myself. I was totally unaware of what I was about to hear.

“Noah. You won’t believe who has a boyfriend.” Haley spat at me.

“So you and that guy you live next door and have shared the lift with for months are finally going out?”

“Don’t be stupid. You know I’m still completely in love with J.”

“Jeez. Are you kidding me? Anyway, go on; tell me the big news...” There was a pause, almost as if Haley was rethinking whether she should tell me.

“Well,” another pause, then a slight giggle, “it’s Jaime! With a guy called Rory.” I was gutted. My stomach felt like it had been pulled out.

I quickly retorted like that famous character Lauren from The Catherine Tate Show, “Well, am I even bothered? No.”

“Well Noah, you do sound kind of bothered.” Was she fucking surprised? This wasn’t the first time she’d broken news about Jaime to me (i.e. the time she told me about Miguel when I was out to celebrate.)

“Well, I’m not. So you can report back to Jaime and tell her that I don’t fucking care what she does. I just hope she’s happy.” Click.

So I ended up spending Valentine’s Day with my mother, sweet yes? The catch? We went to a funeral. My next door neighbour’s father, who was very old, passed away, and I offered to stay another day and go to the funeral. I have to admit, I did have an ulterior motive. I’d heard one of my childhood sweethearts would be there. And who isn’t curious to see their childhood sweethearts again? Back then she was blonde, blue eyes, bubbly, and reminded me so much of one of the Olsen twins. So suffice to say, although it was sad day, I was anxious/curious/interested (delete applicable) to seeing what she was like some years later.

As my mum and I walked up the steps to the church, when the congregation were waiting outside, I spotted the childhood sweetheart. She was a brunette. A still looked as lovely as before when she was blonde. We smiled at each other, with the look of recognition, as she registered who I was, cross her face. I heard her whisper to her older sister, “He looks so different.” I smirked. Then remembered I was at a funeral.

“I always find churches a great place for eye candy.” I told my flatmate A over one Starbucks too many. “I think it’s the whole forbidden love thing that makes it great. I remember once at one of my cousin’s Christenings I spotted the cutest girl I’ve seen in a while, she had that Spanish vibe going on, and you know I’m all over foreign girls.” I said, referring to the girl from the Czech Republic I’d kissed a couple of nights before on one of many nights out. “And for the rest of the service, I couldn’t stop thinking about this sweet, Church girl, who looked about 18 or 19. And she even helped out with the Sunday school.”

After the funeral service, my mum and I left and I gave a polite smile to the childhood sweetheart as she passed on her way to the burial in my neighbour’s car. She smiled back, looking shy.

“She looks so different,” my Mum said on the way back home in the car.

“Yeah...different.”

"Too Lost In You"

After several days of waiting for THAT text from Jaime, and still without THAT text from Jaime, I decided to join Haley and Brooke Carmientti, along with Brooke’s boyfriend and an old friend Tanya in Sunderland to see them all before heading back down south, or at least what I considered down south, to Leeds. Haley would be joining me in Leeds, but we still had good nights out together.

Innfusion was our first stop of the night and with it was semi-busy. There were a few familiar faces, and a lot more not familiar faces, but the trebles were cheap so I was game. Dancing on the table with Brooke ensued as the trebles disappeared and before I knew it we were off to The Black Bull for cheap drinks and dance music.

“Tanya! Let’s get a fish bowl!” I shouted to her over the beats of DJ Alex.

“Sex on the beach, Noah!” I received the message loud and clear.

Several days later I met Haley in town and we went for Starbucks, and even with the copious amounts of alcohol probably still in my system, I was still on my health kick.

“Grande Citron Tea please. To sit in.”

So, over my Citron Tea and her English Breakfast Tea, we discussed that night’s events.

“That fishbowl? Tanya didn’t even drink it. I had like three quarters of it and was absolutely fucked. I cannot even remember getting to Liquid, nor do I know why they actually let me in.”

“Well we saw you in there, and then you went missing.”

“I remember getting another drink in there. Then I lost everybody so I went outside to phone people.”

“Ohhh, ok.”

“Yeah. Then I remember ringing Jaime.”

Haley raised an eyebrow. “Really Noah? Drunk dialling? It’s never a good idea.”

“Well you can say that because you don’t drink. Anyway, I really don’t even remember what we spoke about. Apparently though, she was laughing at me, because I kept saying ‘intense’ and ‘no way man’.” I didn’t say this to Haley, because she and Jaime are quite close, but even though I don’t remember what we spoke about, I just remember it feeling so good to hear her voice again. I had to ask: what did this mean? There were so many questions running through my head about Jaime. It all felt so familiar. When was I going to admit that I loved her?

“You won’t believe who’s calling me right now.” She said, sipping her tea.

“Are you kidding me?” I said, in shock.

“Hi Jaime. How are you? Yeah I can talk. I’m just in Starbucks...with Noah.” There was a pause. “Ok ring me tonight. Bye. Yeah, she couldn’t talk once she knew you were here. So I wonder what it’s about.” She said, smirking and raising her eyebrow.

“Oh, be quiet.”

“So where exactly did you go after you left Liquid then?” Haley asked.

“I was lost...in the city...on my own. Can you believe that? Sunderland is hardly the safest place to be lost at night in. Even with the police presence, it’s still pretty scary. But I was gone. I don’t remember a thing. Oh wait, I remember climbing into a taxi, and thinking I was going to be sick. And the taxi driver pulled over and started shouting at me...something about an Indian wedding in the morning and I couldn’t possibly be sick in his cab.” There was a comfortable moment of silence as I scanned the room, like I usually do. “You know what?”

“What Noah?” Hayley replied, in the way that she always does. Almost as if she’s sick of me, even though I know she isn’t.

“In some crazy philosophical world, me being lost on Thursday night would be some great metaphor of me being lost in love with Jaime. Like, her love is confusing and I need to find it to get on.”

“Yeah, that’s flipping crazy alright. You sure you’re not just over thinking it?” Hayley always thought I was over thinking things, such as the wink at the end of a text message, or a certain glance someone may give me.

I left Hayley, telling her that I was going to miss my bus. Instead, I wandered down to the Quayside in Newcastle. It was one of the few sights of home that I missed. It was where Jaime and I had gone on our first date. It’s a place Madeline and I always visit during our catch up sessions. It is where I took Elle after we’d broken up. We spent the full day together after we officially ended, and it was nice. I looked around, and even in the chilly air or January, it hadn’t changed. The views. The people. It was exactly how I remembered. Then I had the urge to talk to Jaime. It was a shame I got the feeling she didn’t want to talk to me.

"New Year, New Drama"

Christmas came and went with very little drama, but this year, I was determined to make New Year a blast. After making plans, cancelling plans, and making more plans, I decided I’d best spend it with family – the people you can always count on. Too many self-made cocktails later, I was ringing in the New Year with a Christmas wreath as a hat, making myself first foot.

Several days, and several hefty hangovers later, I was invited for another night out in Newcastle.

“I really shouldn’t go,” I told Kiri over the phone, “I mean, not only is my bank balance seriously suffering, but I think my health is too!”

“Are you kidding? How many times have you been out?” She asked.

“Is it bad that I can’t remember?”

After some gentle persuasion on Kiri’s part and some heavy cravings for a bit of a party on my part, I was off out into Newcastle. Already the night had started rocky.

“Aren’t Haley and Brooke coming?” I asked, referring to the Carmientti twins, who knew a good night out.

“No, apparently Brooke is down, and Haley wants to try and cheer her up.” It was no secret that there’d been tension between Haley and Brooke, and Kiri and Samantha ever since their “girly holiday” to Zante ended with arguments over whether to sight see the Old Town or shop in the New Town, “where the shops are actually open.”

Fifth wheeling tonight, I thought to myself, thanks twins! Since the feeling of fifth wheeling isn’t exactly pleasant, I thought several red bulls might numb the awkwardness...OK, several vodka red bulls...OK, OK, several double vodka red bulls. Several turned into a number, and a number turned into me being really drunk. Alas, me being really drunk turned into dancing on podiums with random strangers while Kiri, Samantha, and their boyfriends, looked on, and of course, the obligatory drunk dial/text.

“In my defence, Jaime started it.” I told Kayla, as if I needed a defence. “She texted me saying that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. And it would be rude to not reply, would it not?”

A Caesar Salad, and a glass of water, due to my health binge, later, I was still recounting the tale of my drunken text spree to Kayla, who like me, is romantically confused.

“Well, then I thought it would be a great idea to quote One Tree Hill, but come on, when is it ever a great idea to quote a TV Show, let alone One Tree Hill?”

“What did you say to her?”

“Haha in my drunken stupor, I thought it was romantic but don’t judge me. I texted her saying ‘I’m the guy for you Jaime Green.’ Well after that several more texts were passed back and forth and then I fell asleep in bed.”

“Noah, you can’t just fall asleep on what could be the love of your life you know.”

“I’m sorry.” I said, smirking.

“Well what did she think to your little quote?”

“She thought it was cute, but she was drunk too so...”

That night I received a text message.

J: Are we just gonna pretend we didn’t text what we did then?
N: That could work for me. I get shy when I talk about my emotions.
J: Well, what do you want to do?
N: Well, I think we should go for it.
J: What happens if it doesn’t live up to all this hype that everyone’s built up.
N: Fuck everyone else Jaime, this is us, I know it can work. We can make it happen.
J: Do you want to come to Lancaster sometime, you know, to see if it can work?
D: I was thinking that. Great minds.
J: How about next weekend?
D: I kind of already have plans with my friends from home who I never get to see. Sorry! But don’t take this as a sign. This is not a sign.
J: Bad start already. Well I’ll text you.

Uh-oh, not good, I thought to myself. But I simply couldn’t ditch my friends for the potential love of my life, or could I? It would go against everything I believe and everything I’ve preached, but I guess this is what love feels like. Then there it was, the question I’d always dreaded. I may have dreaded it, but I couldn’t help but ask: so this is what love feels like?

Wait, what?!?!...was I in love?