"The Place I'd Come To Fear The Most"

A couple of evenings ago, two old friends met up with another old friend, without having the fourth old friend there as she was busy with her boyfriend.

I’ll start from the beginning, which is a very good place to start.

After carrying what seemed like four thousand books home, I was just about ready to collapse and settle for an early night, the first in what was now to be known as ‘the week and a half I lived on coffee’, when the phone rang.

“Hi, is Noah there please?” Jason asked. My voice couldn’t have changed that much since an hour and a half ago, which was when I last saw him.

“It is Noah,” I answered, “What’s up?”

“It’s just it’s my Uncle’s birthday party tonight and I was wondering whether you would come to keep me company?”

“Hmmm, I'm not sure, I wanted an early night and have some work to do.” I answered.

“Noah, please come. I’ll invite Madeline and Skye, and even Aidan!” He replied. It was strange, as Jason had never really liked Aidan.

“I’ll tell you what, if any of them go, I will. Deal?” I said.

“Deal. I’ll phone Madeline now. - ” He said, hanging up before he said goodbye. I was expecting a phone call a couple of minutes later telling me what was happening, but when there was no phone call, I decided to phone Madeline.

“Hi Madeline, it’s Noah. Are you going to this party tonight? Has Jason even phoned you?” I asked her.

“Yeah, but I'm not sure whether I should. Joe came round last night and we sorted things out. I jus thought it would be easier if we got back together, now I'm thinking ‘what the fuck have I done?’” She replied.

At that point, I was thinking ‘what the fuck has she done?’ too. I like Joe, I honestly do, but Madeline has told me she loves him more like a brother than a lover.

“Aw Madeline. You’ll figure something out. So about this party, are you coming? I said I’d go if you did.” I told her.

“Yeah, go on, we’ll go. What should I wear?” She asked.

“I heard it was fancy dress.” I said, holding my laugh in.

“You’re joking? If you are I’ll kill you.” Madeline jokingly threatened.

“I'm joking. Calm down. Um, just phone Jason and ask him what the major details are. Phone me when you get some.”

“Ok, will do. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Three phone calls later; the major, and minor, details had all been sorted. Madeline and I were meeting Jason outside of ‘The Stella’ at 7pm. He said if we were there before him “wait outside because it will be strange for two unknowns walking around in the party.”

‘The Stella’ is almost a ‘working gentleman’s club’, but almost a pub too. It had function rooms, one of them being where the party was held.Madeline and I stood outside until 7:35pm, which was when Jason eventually arrived. ‘Fucker’ I thought to myself in my head, I'm sure Madeline was thinking the same.

In this town, you always know someone, who knows someone who can get you into a party, and this was one of those moments.

We walked into the function room, all eyes on us since no one seemed to recognise us. We settled at a table in the corner, hiding us from Jason’s family, or so we thought. It turned out that some of his family sat near us.

After thirty minutes or so, Madeline and I plucked up the courage to walk to the bar, without caring if Jason’s family were staring, and then looking at each other and asking: “um, does anyone know who they are?”

I didn’t know what I wanted exactly, but I knew it had to be alcoholic. Madeline ordered a pint of Cider and Black current and I got a half-pint of Cider and Black current, which I wasn’t too keen on.

Madeline and I took regular cigarette breaks, even though I wasn’t smoking at that time. I just stood with her while she offered me cigarettes and talked about Joe and Adam, who had since phoned her when we were waiting for Jason. It turned out she was ringing the wrong number and it was Alan from London.

When Madeline and I returned to the bar, she order another ‘Cider/Black’ I think she called it and I was recommended to get a ‘Diesel’, which was lager and black current mixed. I did, I got a pint of it. I still wasn’t keen on that either. I smiled most of the night, pretending to laugh at the dumb jokes they were making. And after even more cigarette breaks I ordered a Vodka and Coke, then soon after two Vodka shots, one for me and one for Madeline. Then before we left, another Vodka and Coke, which I drank pretty quickly.

Jason’s mother drove us home and I got out at Madeline’s house as I literally live four minutes away.

“Do you fancy going for a walk?” I asked her.

“Yeah sure, we should. Wait until Jason’s mum is gone, then we’ll go.” She replied.

Once his mother had gone, Madeline pulled two cigarettes from her bag, knowing I only smoke when I'm drunk, and at 11:03pm that night, I was very drunk. I stumbled around with a cigarette in my hand and eventually, I told her everything that I had been feeling since my grandfather had died.

“Seeing Jason, and how his family are close to their grandfather, it just brought back so much.” I said. “You know, when he was in hospital, I was the most scared I have ever been.” I revealed.

“I know. Well I don’t know, but I can imagine.” She replied. Madeline was so great that night.

“And when my mum rang from the hospital to tell us he’d died, I heard the tone of my Dad’s voice, and he didn’t even need to tell me. I knew it. I knew exactly what had happened. It was horrible. I burst into tears and started shouting, ‘Well why the fuck couldn’t it have been your fucking father?’ It’s the only thing I thought of. How could someone so evil, still be alive, when the nicest man I’ve ever known had to die?” I said, close to tears, drunk, and finishing the cigarette.

“I know exactly what you mean. It doesn’t seem fair does it?” Madeline replied.

I had a thought: Would I be telling Madeline all of this if the alcohol and nicotine wasn’t there, fuelling my emotions and confidence? Of course I would, she knew it all anyway, but maybe not to this extent.

I carried on about how I wanted my Dad’s father ‘fucking dead’ and how I was planning to change my name when I reached the legal age. I said: “I don’t want anything from him,” him being Alan, my Dad’s father, “Not anything, not my looks, not my blood, not my name, just my family he’s provided me!” I joked that I should change it to “Noah Sandshaw.” Madeline laughed. I told her how he’d came to my Grandfather’s funeral and how it made me so mad to know he was watching me pay my last respects to my only Grandfather by reading a letter I had wrote to him.

I guess I don’t remember much of that night when I walked with Madeline. I remember smoking two cigarettes. I remember being close to tears talking about my Grandmother’s hospital experience, although it wasn’t nearly as awful as my Grandfather’s, who had died in there, and I remember being close to tears, because of the frustration and anger I felt towards Alan, the supposed Grandfather.

That night I went to the place I had come to fear the most, my mind. I had told Madeline everything about how I had been feeling since August. She listened. She nodded. She was everything I want in a friend.