"Anything She Can Do..."

Once upon a time, after a tough break-up, a young writer called Noah decided he needed a break. Lucky for him, he had family in Spain. So, he packed his cases and headed out there for three long weeks. And this was where the ‘fairytale’ getaway ended. It rained. It was cold. And his family just happened to live in the middle of nowhere – thank God for their broadband connection though, he thought to himself. So, after eighteen days, Noah packed his cases, headed home, ready to be start afresh with the ladies. And that he did.

A couple of nights after I got back from Spain, I was invited out into the city to celebrate my homecoming, by the Carmientti twins Hayley and Brooke. I gladly accepted, knowing that we’d be hitting the hottest clubs this city had to offer. Starting out in TigerTiger, I decided this was the perfect location to start my drunken night. So, whilst drinking cocktails and downing shots of Apple Schnapps in a private section of the club, we laughed, sung and danced on the chairs.

Jaime, a girl I had dated for about a month a year or so ago joined us about an hour later. Hayley had told me Jaime was interested in me again, and she wanted to “test drive” me to see if I was any good. Her words. Not mine. There was one complication - Ella and Jaime were friends. They weren’t as close as they once were, but still on speaking terms. This, as Jaime later said, embracing me, “complicated things”.

After TigerTiger, we stumbled to Lloyds Bar, 500 metres away. There, I was told I was “hideous” by a fat, old woman, to which I drunkenly replied, “Excuse me? Do you know who I am? I'm a model! I'm not hideous!” She apologised. After several drinks in Lloyds, we headed to Liquid. Jaime and I walked ahead, making small talk as she linked my arm.

“I mean, there clearly has always been chemistry there,” I told Kayla over lunch the next day. “Why should Ella even come into the equation?”

Knowing Hayley and Brooke Carmientti was definitely a plus in this city. They seemed to know everyone and had connections in all the hottest clubs. So, after getting into Liquid for free, we were awarded VIP status and headed up stairs to the VIP Lounge. It was dark, mysterious, smoky, exactly how you’d imagine a VIP Lounge to be. There was a glass wall that overlooked Liquid and there was Champagne on tap. After spending time in the VIP Lounge we headed back downstairs. There, we saw some friends and then hit the dancefloor. I saw this as my chance with Jaime. I grabbed her to dance and before I knew it, we were kissing.

“It got pretty passionate I’d say Kayla.” I told her.

“What do you mean?” She said, taking a sip from some fresh OJ.

“Well, there as hair pulling, lip play…it was like foreplay of the face.”

“Wow. Did she awake the beast?” She replied, giggling.

“I think she might have done. You know, for all we dated, that was our first kiss,” I paused, smiled, and carried on, “and it was good! It was like something from the movies.”

After kissing for what felt like forever, in a good way, we headed to the bar. More alcohol followed, as did more kissing.

“Promise me this won’t be awkward when we’re not drunk.” She pleaded with me.

“I promise. I honestly don’t think it will.” It was a lie. I just wanted to carry on kissing her. It worked. And we carried on kissing.

“Then Hayley and Brooke bundled us into a taxi, and that was that. It kind of was a bit awkward in the taxi I mean, we were meant to have left 15 minutes before we actually left but they were just waiting for us to be done kissing. That was awkward.” I said as we settled the cheque for our breakfast.

Hiding my hangover from the morning world I placed my Aviators I’d purchased in New York over my eyes and we walked out of the café.

A couple of days later I was invited to another party. This time, it was a party masquerading as a nineteenth birthday party, to make sure no one had a problem with ID. After being rejected from an opportunity in California I’d auditioned for, I was feeling pretty down, so, I dressed up and aimed to please. I got far too drunk far too soon. I danced, or grinded, with an array of women and even forgot one girl’s name. Not my finest moment.

After, in the taxi que, I spotted a girl called Lyndsey. She’d played Sandy to my Danny when I had been in Grease a while back. There’d always been that attraction and chemistry there, especially with our kissing in the ‘drive-in scene’, but we’d never let it develop since I was with Ella. Now, with no Ella in sight, I was making sure I’d made up for lost time. The girl who’d played Marty in the production pointed her out to me, and told me that we’d make a “cute couple”.

“You think?” I slurred.

“Yeah, definitely.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me over to her. “Lyndsey, Noah has something to ask you.”

“I do?…Yeah, I think that maybe we should, you know, go on a date.” I said, as if it were a question. It was the first thing that came into my head.

“Yeah, we should.” There was an awkward silence. “I was sorry to hear about you and Ella.”

“Yeah, something’s just don’t work. Fuck it.” And with Dutch courage, well, a lot of Dutch courage, I kissed her. She didn’t pull away. Wow. Look at me go. I thought to myself. She said she had to go, and with that she climbed into the taxi.

I had a thought: was I acting out, and, like Britney Spears did, take my newfound single status too far? Was it a psychological repercussion from breaking up with her, and then finding out she had a new boyfriend a week later? Maybe I was trying to keep up with her, and show her that no one messes with Noah J. Austin. Anything she can do, I can do better…right?

"Let The Rain Fall Down..."

Tuesday. 11pm. "Well what I'm saying is maybe I don't know how I feel anymore."

"Well what do you mean...you don't want to be with me?" Ella replied.

"Like I said, what I'm saying is that I don't know how I feel." There was a long pause. "Maybe it just isn't the right time for us..."

"So what are you saying, Noah?"

"Can you not hear me?"

"Yes, but you're confusing me, and scaring me...do you not want to be with me anymore?"

"That's the thing, I don't know..."

"So what do you want to do?" A sob could was audible over the line. And with that sob, my mind was changed. How could I be so heartless?

"Well lets just keep going and see how things go, because now you know how I feel." Click. I held my head in my hands. How could I lie to her? It was so easy...and I'd done it so many times before, but it seemed this time it was different...like this time it was more significant. At that time I could only ask myself: if something's not right, why carry on?

Friday. I'm in Birmingham. Ella is at home. I say at home, she'd gone out with friends. I'd been receiving text messages all Thursday and Friday telling me about her antics with other guys. Usually I'm not the jealous type, but this stuff always seems to happen when I'm away. I ring her.

"Ella, I think we need to talk."

"What about babe?"

"Us."

"Oh.

"Yeah."

"Well, what is it?"

"Just I've been hearing so much stuff from people and I don't know whether I trust you anymore."

"You don't trust me?" I could tell she was already slightly inebriated. "Well thats just great Noah. You've ruined my night out now."

"I'm sorry if I have, but I couldn't help BUT ruin your night out, I had to say it. I couldn't keep it in while people keep telling me all of these things about you."

"Who are these people?"

"My friends, who I trust. And I'm not going to bring them into it. All you need to know if that I don't trust you anymore."

I could hear crying. And it felt awful. But after the three glasses of red wine I'd had, I didn't care. I needed to be honest, not just to her, but to myself also. I couldn't carry on living with this facade of a relationship.

I told her we needed to talk, and agreed to meet for coffee the following day.

After parting ways over two grande Breakfast Tea's, it was over. The four month relationship was over. It felt as if a weight had been lifted from my mind. I felt a genuine happiness that I hadn't felt since the start of our relationship. It was over.

"The Toxic Relationships"

Toxic relationships: the relationships that aren’t good for you but you just can’t let go of. They’re the relationships that destroy friendships, relationships with families and relationships with your inner self.

Having fallen behind with my writing and with my work, I’d decided to spend this particular Friday night at home, with a cup of tea (how English of me) and crumpets (ok, I lied, I meant to write toast), but that was until I’d remembered that I’d promised Skye I’d spend the night out with her, Aidan and Madeline. “A Friday night, and I'm playing third wheel to two other couples.” I thought to myself as Aidan drove to Adam’s house as we picked up Madeline and Adam. “Great.”

After seeing the movie ‘Notes on a Scandal’, which was amazing, if a little creepy, and having my card declined by cinema staff claiming they don’t accept the brand which caused major embarrassment and a whole waste of time, we drove our way to one of our usual hangouts when we’re all together: Wetherspoons.

Adam and I headed to the ATM while Madeline and Skye set up shop in Wetherspoons and Aidan drove home, leaving his car there and returning to us from there. However, Madeline was ID-ed, and although being of legal age, was declined entry into the bar.

“Bastards!” Madeline repeated, over and over again. “Three weeks in a fucking row! Bastards! I’ve been coming here for four fucking years! I'm so angry.”

It was understandable. They’d ask her age when she was actually legal but when she was underage they’d happily serve her alcohol.

“It’s alright.” Skye and I tried to comfort her, while Adam used other words.

We decided to go to Skye’s house with some wine and a Chinese and watch some DVDs. Aidan drove back down and took us to the Chinese after alcohol shopping and while we were waiting for a Chicken Chow Mein, a discussion over schooling took place and Madeline stormed out from the car. Several minutes later Adam followed her. When Aidan arrived Skye and I explained the situation. We waited ten minutes in the car, hoping they’d return. And following numerous unanswered phone calls and un-replied text messages, we made the decision to head to Skye’s house. In the car towards Skye’s house, I had a thought: had our friendship become toxic? I got worried, Madeline was one of those true friends who you could go weeks without seeing, but when getting together again it was like there had been no time between your last meetings.

After watching ‘Dirty Sanchez: the Movie’ which may quite possibly the sickest film I’ve ever seen, Aidan decided to walk me home, which I suspected was a guise to get him out of Skye’s house, which had been filled with tension since we first got there.

On the walk home, we drank bottles of pre-mixed alcohol and he talked about his plans for a new car. It wasn’t long before our conversation turned to Skye.

“I want her to go out. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered, but I know she wants to, so I say to her that she should go out, but she just doesn’t want to without me.”

I already knew this, but I guess it was just hearing him say it, and it being repeated, that enforced the seriousness of the situation to me.

“Sometimes I just want to stay in play on the Xbox, watch a film, have a wank, whatever, I'm easily pleased you know. But she just won’t go out without me. And it’s because she think I'm going to go with other girls,” he paused. “I just don't want to be the reason she doesn't go out and have a good time.”

“I guess that’s what happens when you spend literally every waking moment with each other.”

“Yeah. Because like we work together, go to college together, and every other moment we’re with each other.”

It was at this point I became so grateful for what I had with Ella. We didn’t spend every waking moment with each other, yet somehow, I figured that our lives just fit.

He went on to tell me that at one point in the past they’d come close to splitting up because of this. I knew that if they had, it would have killed Skye, literally. He was her heart and soul, and I couldn’t help but feel torn between the two feelings: 1) being happy that Skye was so in love and 2) being slightly worried that she won’t let him out of her sight.

Had Skye and Aidan’s relationship become toxic? Or had it always been that way? I’d known for quite sometime that their relationship hadn’t been healthy. She never seemed to want to do anything alone anymore, and always seemed to need him by her side. Had she become dependant on him?

I left Aidan with a sense of guilt. I felt like I was leaving him to deal with his toxic relationship, but then I realised I really had nothing to do with it. I was just relieved to know that my relationship wasn’t like theirs. At that point I thought: would I really be able to deal with it if it were?

“I have enough trouble sharing my food never mind my personal space,” I told Danny over coffee the next day. “Maybe by keeping myself to myself a lot, and not letting Ella in as much as I should, I'm kind of, sort of, trying to protect myself, and my relationship, from becoming toxic.” Well, at least it made sense to me.

"I Belong To Me"

Some have claimed, from apparent experience, that relationships can only work if you’re willing to share everything in your life.

A couple of nights ago Ella and I celebrated being together for two whole months by going out for an Italian. In the two months we’ve been together, I think it’s fair to say there have been some ups and downs, mostly downs. But, as I always say “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

“Just think, two months ago today we were at Rachel’s party hooking up.” I said, looking at her across our table.

“Yeah, just think.” She replied, smirking and semi-giggling.

We ordered our food, me getting a Spaghetti Bolognese (original, I know!) and her a burger. It wasn’t long before conversation turned to the people around us.

“Do you they are?” She said to me, indicating to two men behind me.

“Do I think they’re what?”

“You know…”

“Um. I don’t know. Maybe?”

“I think they are. My mum and I do this all of the time when we’re out. Do you not?”

“Not really.”

I twirled more spaghetti onto my fork and carried on eating. I thought to myself, watching her eat her burger: is she like a small child seeing a wild animal for the first time? Was she mesmerised by the fact she rarely comes into contact with homosexuals? “I still don’t see the big deal she has with it,” I said to Kayla through a text message.

“When you see a black person, you don’t question whether their African or Caribbean do you?” I later told Danny. “Apart from that small thing, it was a surprisingly pleasant meal. It was calm, we talked, and I just felt like we reconnected – is that a little bit romantic of me to say?”

Several nights later, I met up with Kayla, Madeline, Ella, her friend Mary, Aspen and Josh and we hit up Studio, a club just outside of the city. It was a good night in which we all got drunk, Madeline and I smoked and drunk more. And after several hours of partying hard, Madeline, Kayla and I decided to hit it up somewhere else. Kayla wanted to meet a guy she had been seeing and I was getting sick of the whole Studio atmosphere.

“Ella I have to go now. I'm sharing a taxi with Madeline and Kayla and they want to go now, so I'm off too.”

“Noooooo! You can’t just leave me!”

“Why? You’re with Mary…”

“Yeah, but she’s at the toilet,” she interrupted me.

“And she’ll be coming back. Plus, Aspen and Josh are here, and I know for a fact they’ll look after you two.”

“Yeah, but, you can’t just leave me by myself.” She repeated to me.

“Like I said, Mary’s still here. Lets find her then.”

I waited outside the ladies’ toilets for what seemed like ten minutes when Ella and Mary came strolling out. Ella seemed angry but still kissed me goodbye and I ran out to meet Madeline and Kayla who’d been waiting for me in the cold, dark, wet, night. ‘Real, unselfish, friends’, I thought to myself.

“I'm sorry. I had to sort something.” I shouted to them, feeling slightly deaf from the overly loud music, as we ran towards the taxi rank.

As we climbed into the taxi, the discussion of my sex life with Ella arose.

“Tell me you haven’t done anything with her Noah,” Madeline demanded.

“No, we haven’t. I just don’t know where she stands.”

“Well, just wait. Because believe me, I know that when you do something, and it’s not right, it hurts you so much after.”

I looked at Kayla, hoping for her to tell me something different, “It’s true Noah.”

“Yeah, I know it’s true. But what if it does feel right?” I questioned.

“Still, wait.” Madeline said.

“But the thing is, she’ll get me so worked up and into it, and then just be like ‘Oh, I need a drink.’ And I buy her a drink.”

“It’s different for girls though.”

“How? It’s sex. Same for everyone.”

“No, it is different for girls. More intense and more meaningful.”

It was a valid point. I had a thought: was I meant to wait until she signalled that it would be ok for us to sleep together?
The next morning, I phoned Kayla.

“Good night last night wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, apart from when you guys were left outside in the cold while I was held captive by Ella,” I said, laughing.

“You know, I thought that’s why it took you so long. I just didn’t want to say anything,” Kayla confessed.

“I mean did she think I was a dog or something and if she lets me go I might not come back?”

“I know what you mean,” she said, slightly giggling.

It was an interesting thought, but did Ella really think I belonged to her, and she belonged to me? Was I ready to share my life entirely with someone in order to make this relationship work? I wasn’t sure, but for the minute, I knew one thing, that I belonged to me.

"Heads Up!"

In life, and in a city like mine, it can be argued that you never want to be the one to end up with shit on your face, or in Kayla’s case, cum.

Kayla had met a nice, charming guy who she instantly fell for. And while giving him a blowjob after several cosy cocktails at his family home, without warning he came on her face. In her drunken state, she felt something warm on her face, and touching it she came to realise what it was.

“You could have given me some warning!” She shouted, with him getting less charming by the minute.

“Oh, um, sorry,” was his reply.

“Oh, um, sorry?” she reiterated to me while standing at the bar on a recent night out into the city. “Is that all he could say, really? I mean come on, I was the one with cum on my face!”

“Did he not return the favour?” I asked her, stealing a sip from her cocktail, but not going unnoticed.

“What, as some sort of an apology?” Danny asked.

“No! Good common courtesy.” I replied.

“Either way, no,” and after a long, semi-awkward pause, “No pleasurable returns,” she said smirking.

“Are you kidding? You only give head to get head Kayla. Or even give head to get ahead, but if you’re not getting anything from it, what purpose does it derive?” I said this from personal experience.

I had been to a birthday party that wasn’t exactly a party, and, after consuming many a shots o’ vodka and many a shots o’ everything else, a private after party was held in Jason Matthew’s bedroom. Amie was someone who’d I’d met at a weeklong stay away conference and with whom I’d immediately clicked with. “Hey, if she says vagina humorously, it’s a sign.”

Jason and I had invited her and her friend to the party in hopes of livening the situation up, like she did with the conference, and that she certainly did, well the after party anyway. Jason, Amie, Amie’s friend and I had ended up back at Jason’s house. He and Amie’s friend lay on his bed ‘talking’ while behind a curtain that led to his window Amie say upon the window sill with me standing in between her legs. Things seemed to get hot and heavy quick and behind this curtain I’d gone down on her, expecting the favour to be returned. However, all I got was an extended make-out session whilst she stroked my back. “Erotic much? I’d have preferred the head,” I told Danny the next day over brunch.

The day after my night out with Danny and Kayla, Aspen and his good friend Jake invited me to the cinema in hopes of watching ‘Rocky Balboa’. We settled on a Chinese before the movie started and over ‘Chicken Chow Mien’ and ‘Sweet and Sour Pork’ the conversation turned to my relationship with Ella, and how ‘ahead’ I’d gotten with her.

“So have you done anything with Ella yet?” Both Aspen and Jake enquired.

“No, not yet.” I replied, modestly and honestly. “That’s not to say I haven’t thought about it though.”

“Seriously?” Jake said.

“Yeah, seriously. I just don’t know how to approach things with her.”

“Well, have you two not had ‘the talk’ yet?” Aspen asked. ‘The talk’ he referred to was ‘the talk’ that took place, quite early on in a young couple’s relationship that revolved around sex, past experiences, opinions etc. In this ‘talk’, the couple would establish in their minds the other partner’s opinions and at least get a guideline of when to start things sexually.

“No we haven’t. I just find it hard to approach her about it, because you know, she’s younger. And obviously not knowing how she feels about it in relation to her religion is also pretty hard. She might want to wait until marriage.” The use of the word hard wasn’t meant to be a pun, but I guess it was quite funny I chose that word to use.

“Oh, I take it she’s really big into her religion then?” Jake figured, while shovelling a piece of beef into his mouth.

“Yeah. Church on Sunday, the lot.” I confirmed.

“Well, just see how it goes, and maybe you’ll feel a lot more confident and comfortable in talking about it with her as your relationship grows.” Wow, look at Aspen going philosophical, I thought to myself.

I started eating my fried rice when conversation turned to one of Aspen’s exes. Jake said something about her tasting “nasty” to which Aspen through him a nasty look.

“What do you mean by that?” He said as I choked on my fried rice.

“Well…that you kissed her and all that” Jake said, jokingly.

“No you didn’t.” Aspen replied.

“What did you think I meant,” he said smirking.

“Well…you know…”

“What?” Jake said, wanting him to say it.

“That you licker her out…” I came out with.

“What?!” Aspen said, almost spitting out his coke.

“You know…ate her pussy.” I said in a nonchalant manner. The lady on the table behind looked at me, and if looks could kill, I'm pretty sure I would be dead. “What? It’s the 21st century?” trying to justify my language.

“Well, no I didn’t. Can we just change the subject?” He seemed pretty disturbed by it all. Jake and I glanced each other, grinning.

“So how’s Kayla anyway?” Aspen said, trying to change the subject.

“She’s good. She told me how you said I was going out with you too on Saturday.” I replied.

“Well, I had to get her out somehow.” He said, smiling.

Maybe he really did like her. “You sly dog you.” I said.

After Rocky Balboa’s untriumphant, but still somehow triumphant, return to the world of boxing, I spent the Metro journey home thinking about sex and my relationship with Ella. I realised that sex wasn’t the most important thing in a relationship, and it was basically just a factor, such as where to go to eat out on Valentine’s Day, or which movie to see on a date…to have sex or not to have sex. This may be true, but I then figured that it’s always good to get a head’s up on the situation, maybe even to get head before the situation.

"The Relapse"

It has been said that love is like a drug, and with drugs, it’s ever so easy to relapse, especially in an environment that encourages alcohol-fuelled behaviour.

It was another Saturday night, and there was another 18th party I had to show my face at. The invite had said “Noah + Guest” so it was inevitable that Ella would be coming (and I was hoping in more ways than one, much to my disappointment we got nowhere). Hayley and Brooke had invited Kayla as their guest so; 15 minutes before the party started we made our way to the Carmientti household, collecting Ella along the way.

After downing two mini sized bottles of Jack Daniels, and Kayla downing that of vodka, we climbed into the taxi and headed to the party.

Arriving at the party, we noticed a distinct lack of something…people. After my first vodka and coke the place seemed to get busier and I made the friendly hellos and the polite obligatory “I haven’t seen you since you dropped out of college last year, how are you?” I was also introduced to several new people, those people I’d never met, and after meeting them, I'm glad I hadn’t.

Hayley grabbed me, “Noah, this is Katie, Katie this is Noah.” It was the standard and civil introductions that could have been taken from the movies.

“Hi.” I said, smiling.

She looked at me and walked off.

“Because that’s not rude!” I shouted after her, downing the rest of my second, or third, alcoholic beverage. I think by that point at the party I’d switched to double vodka and cokes.

As my alcohol intake increased, so did my affection towards Ella. I had this new wave of feelings for her like from when our relationship first began. But this time it was different. Every other time I’d been drunk with her, she kind of irritated me, just like the way she sometimes does when we’re sober. So, we did the usual drunk person behaviour of making out in front of everyone, grinding against each other on the dance floor and, no matter how many times I said to her “I don’t want to be one of those couples who take pictures of themselves kissing,” that is exactly what we did.

The next morning Kayla and I heading into the city to walk, and talk, and walk, and talk some more, while mostly trying to avoid working.

“Did I tell you that last night Ella had started with the whole ‘Noah, you know my feelings on gays, well…’ thing? Well she said. To which I replied, ‘Ella, you know that two of my close friends are gay?’ She seemed stunned, and apologetic.”

“What else would she be? Like Hermione had told you, what she doesn’t realise she’s doing is, by sort of indirectly offending Ashley and Adam, she is offending you.”

“I suppose so.” I wasn’t so sure as I took a bite from my toasted chorizo and cheese sandwich. I had subconsciously decided to try, operative word being try, to forget about Ella’s differences and try to focuses on what positives there were, even if my previous decision was to ultimately end things with her.

After the party the night before, I realised that I had what a lot of other people wanted, but I just seemed so dissatisfied with what I had. It was a relationship where I was cared so much about that she didn’t want to let me go.

I had a thought: was I suffering from what was known as a relapse? Had the feelings I first had for Ella suddenly returned with the injection of alcohol, and even afterwards once the alcohol had warn off?

While I was contemplating my future with Ella, Kayla was telling me about the one night stand she’d had. She’d met him in a bar and his name was Kyle. He was a university student and after a hard night’s partying at several bars with him, she was invited back to his for a coffee, or two. Next thing she knew she was laying on his bed, wondering what the hell she’d just done.

“How was it?” I asked her.

“Well, a lot of alcohol had been consumed, so, not too amazing.” She replied, with a look in her eye.

“So you didn’t cum?”

“No.” She said, shaking her in while doing so.

“Oh Kayla.”

“What? What?”

“What’s sex without cumming? It’s like decaf coffee, coffee without the caffeine, the whole reason for coffee’s modern day existence!”

“I guess so.”

“So are you seeing him again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Maybe. Oh check you out you non-cumming repeat offender.”

While I had definitely relapsed, I wondered whether Kayla would too with Kyle, even if her rewards weren’t fruitful, to say the least. Then I realised, maybe love wasn’t a drug after all because if it were, relapsing wouldn’t feel so good. So, I asked myself: what was so bad about relapsing with love anyway?

"Magnets"

Some cultures have said that opposites attract. Some physicians said this too, and they were right, with the magnets anyway. But, can a relationship stand the true test of time if these two opposites don’t seem to attract?

Many times Ella and I have gotten into minor debates slash arguments over our differences in opinions. Whilst sitting in the corner of the basement in Starbucks, my good friend Ashley phoned me. After I hung up, I went on to tell Ella all about Ashley, one of the people I'm closest too. How we would check out girls together wherever we went, and how we’d only met in March of 2006 and remained close ever since.

“So she’s a lesbian?”

“Yup.” I took a sip from my hot chocolate, waiting for her reaction.

“I just don’t get how people can do that. Like, you know, I don’t have a problem with it, but I don’t understand. It’s just not right. Women weren’t meant to have sex with women.”

“Are you really saying that?”

“Yeah. I just don’t get it.”

I ended the conversation there and asked her about something else. As we left we saw a homeless lady.

“I always feel bad when I see her.” I’d seen her more than once.

“Well, it’s her fault to be fair.”

“Wait. What?”

“She didn’t have to be homeless.”

“Yeah, but, Ella, we don’t know what circumstances under which she became homeless. It’s not as if one day she got sick of her house and thought the street would be better.”

“Well, I'm just saying she could have done something to not be homeless.”

Later at the newly opened mixed-genre music club Confusion, I had a moment of clarity. I told Kayla that this was “the perfect example of her immitude.”

“You’re right. Like, why would she just judge people automatically?”

“Because she’s young that’s why.” It really was that simple.

“I bet she hasn’t even met anyone gay and that’s why maybe she doesn’t have an unbiased opinion on it.”

“You’re probably not wrong,” I said, sinking another vodka and coke.

A couple of nights later, after I’d decided to throw myself into my work, I received an instant message from Ella. My plan of studying, studying, studying was out the window.

“Noah, you know how I feel about gays, well, I was at the train station and these butch lesbians walked past, like seriously, really butch and manly. And well, they were like holding hands and kissing and stuff. I thought I was going to be sick in my mouth and had to turn away! Well, anyway, I'm sure they were doing it more just to gross me out!”

“Hi by the way.” I replied. “They did it just to gross you out, I'm sure that’s the reason why. Who cares, as long as they’re happy?”

“Yeah, if they’re happy, but you know…” She continued.

“Well, it’s not as if we’re exactly sin free ourselves.” Then I remembered the line from the musical Rent that seemed to define this whole situation: ‘Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn.’ And it was true. How can she condemn anyone when she is sinning herself by being prejudiced against someone and condemning them for their choices? It’s like one, big, vicious circle.

I had a thought: were Ella and I slowing becoming the same poles on different magnets, rather than different poles on the same magnet, that no longer attract? It was certainly an interesting thought.

The next day I sat talking to Hayley and Brooke Carmientti, over a Psychology textbook I was meant to be studying with.

I told them about all of the differences and how we are complete opposites in everything: politics, homophobia, attitudes, fashion sense, music sense.

“Well there has to be something,” the ever-positive Hayley said. “You both like each others, that’s something.”

“We do?” I said with a raised eyebrow and sarcastic tone, followed by the cheeky grin that is almost my trademark.

“There’s got to be other stuff Noah,” Brooke added.

“I really don’t think there is.”

Was this it? Had this magnet broken? Were the people saying “opposites attract” only saying it to give others hope that there is someone out there for them? Maybe they said it to reassure themselves that there was someone out there for them too. Then I had a thought: love always trumps physics.

“Stock, Broke & Two Girls with the Immitude”

Aspen Leary had become a close friend in recent months. We’d spent a lot of time drinking alcohol and talking about girls. His girlfriend and my girlfriend were in the same year group and we’d been in the same Psychology class last year.

His girlfriend, who had once been friends with Ella before Aspen’s girlfriend’s miraculous transformation from pretty girl to alternative girl, had just dumped him.

“You’re kidding me? She dumped you?” I asked him, on a recent trip to the city whilst in town looking at DVDs.

“Yeah she did. It was over the phone too, whilst she was in a pub, with God knows who, drinking God knows what.”

“No way. Is she serious? Well, she sure is mature.”

“I know. It’s like I thought I meant something to her, but obviously not. I mean, she didn’t even give me any reasons. She just did it.” He looked bothered by it.

“Well, would you have still thought that if she’d done it face to face, with reasons?” I asked him, intrigued.

“Yeah, probably. But it was just, over the phone while in a pub? It’s pretty immature, and really hurtful.”

“Oh definitely dude, I understand.”

This was the perfect example of what I called ‘the immitude’, I thought to myself. Immitude was the attitude immature girls have to certain things. Relationships, politics, sexuality, all of those sorts of hot topics etc.

“They certainly do know how to get what they want,” Aspen told me in a pub after I’d spent money on DVDs that I clearly didn’t need.

“They sure do. I mean, I spend so much money on Ella and it’s like, I'm on the verge of not having any.”

“Well Noah, it’s the way we were brought up. We are gentleman, you see.” He took a gulp from his pint of cider, and laughed.

“Gentleman my arse. More like beggars by the end of it.” I slammed down my pint glass.

“Wow, taking this a bit seriously aren’t you?” I hadn’t meant to slam it down, it just happened.

“Well it’s just I feel like I'm always paying for Ella, for everything: Cinema tickets, snacks, drinks, parties, meals. I just feel like it’s getting too much.”

“It’s true, you shouldn’t be paying for all of that.”

“Has it got to the point where we have to have money to be in a relationship?”

“What? Like we pay relationships like we pay bills?” Aspen had hit the mark.

“My point exactly. Plus, I don’t even have a job. She does! Aren’t we meant to be living in an equal society in which females are equal to males? What ever happened to the gentlewoman?”

“Well, maybe it’s not just because you’re the guy, maybe it’s because you’re older too.” He made a good point. Was it because I was older, and was the ‘gentleman’ that I was expected to pay for everything.

That night, I had a thought: could I really afford to be in a relationship that I couldn’t pay for, and which I couldn’t really see lasting any lengthy amount of time, what with my move to either California or London looming?

So, I made a conscious decision to see Ella more. I wanted to invest my time in her more, it was almost as if I was investing in the stock market. Had Ella’s stock just gone up?

“So Noah, this party next Friday night, are you finally going to be my drinks then?”

“What?” Shocked. To. The. Core.

“Well, are you?”

“Ella. I always do! How can you say that?”

“I was joking. Calm down.” She didn’t sound like she was joking. Maybe she doesn’t realise I'm pretty much broke, and with impending university fees coming up, I shouldn’t be spending my money on buying drinks for her she can easily afford herself. Of course, it would be nice if I could do that, but, at this time in my life, when I have no money, “I pretty much reject the idea of the ‘gentlemen’.”

Once I was home, I logged online to my bank. Had Ella’s stock just gone down? Was it time to accept that maybe I should just cut loose and accept my losses? I sipped my water. Was this stock retrievable?

“I mean sometimes, she makes me feel special.” I told Aspen in the library while ‘studying’ for an upcoming exam.

“Like how?” He inquired. “How are things in the bedroom”?

“What things? And what bedroom? Seriously, like, I think she wants to. On New Years Eve she was kissing my neck and getting me,” I looked around, the librarian walked past our table, “Up…but then she’d get another drink and just hang off me, and that’s pretty much a turn off, also her parents were in the next room, and that’s just chance taking, especially when it isn’t even her house either.”

“Ah I see.”

Would improving things in the bedroom, and taking ‘it’ to the next step solve my financial problem? Would I invest more if she would? For now though…her stock was hanging in the balance.

"Validating a Relationship."

Thursday night at the Italian restaurant Fuime on the riverside, Skye, Madeline and I met up for a “triple date” as Madeline would later refer to it at the table. Skye had come up with the idea of us all getting together and going for a meal. It started out with the idea that Skye, Madeline, Jason and I would reacquaint our selves with each other over an Italian dish and an alcohol beverage, but, as they do, plans changed. It was finalised with a table booked for six: me, Aidan, Skye, Madeline, and Adam…and Ella. It was the first time Ella was going to meet my closest friends and their partners.

“So I'm going out for a meal tonight with Skye, Madeline and their boyfriends, and I want to know if you want to come.” I asked her.

We’d spent the morning fish hunting. I’d bought her a novelty fish tank for Christmas, as well as going for the safe option of perfume (Dolce and Gabbana’s THE ONE) after being asked on many occasions what I would be buying her, to which I had no idea. In return she’d bought me a mug from Starbucks and a grey cardigan, which were apparently in fashion this season.

When she first asked me to go fish hunting, it had been three days since New Years Eve. We hadn’t spoken. I’d spent that time sleeping, eating, and attempting essays, where she had spent it…well, I'm not exactly sure how she’d spent it.

“So Noah, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to go fish hunting?”

I had a thought: Was this a new form of committing in a relationship? Hunting for a pet fish? Would we be fighting for custody of this fish if our relationship ever failed?

“Um..sure. How about I be at yours for 10.30, just I have a driving lesson in the afternoon.”

10.30 that morning I stepped off the bus, and realised I had only ever been to Ella’s house drunk, and in my friend Aspen’s car, in the dark. I had no idea where I was going. After numerous failed phone call attempts and text messages, I rang her, on what I decided would be the last time.

“Hello…?” She said, sheepishly.

“Ella! It’s Noah! You’ve been asleep haven’t you?”

“Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Oh my God. What time is it?” She replied, surprised to know I’d caught her out.

“10.55 in the morning! You do know I need to be home by 12.30 because of my driving lesson. And I don’t even know where you’re house is!” I was so angry with her, again.

After directions, which I managed to follow and find her house, we set of for a twenty-minute walk to find a fish.

“How about this one?” I asked her. “It’s small, it’ll fit in the tank. Perfect.”

“I don’t know. You choose.” She responded.

“Well, if it’s like that. I like the classic gold look. They’re pretty cheap too. I think you should get two.”

“No Noah!” She said, with a broad smile and giggling. “They won’t both fit.”

“Sure they will. Take a chance. Live a little. So they’re a little cramped. Just like two people sharing a bedroom.”

By the time I’d committed to our relationship by choosing the fish, I’d forgotten New Years Eve and all the trouble that morning. It was like she had this sort of effect on me in which she went back in time and erased our past problems.

“So what do you say? To this meal?” I continued after initially asking her.

“Yeah sure. Only if you really want me to come mind.” She didn’t sound sure.

“No, of course I want you to come. Skye and Madeline can’t wait to meet you.” I lied. Again. Sure Skye was. Madeline, I wasn’t so sure. She’d said on the previous Friday that she was jealous, but not “because I like you like that, but just because you have a girlfriend.” Yes, she was drunk at the time.

That evening I rang Skye and informed her of the news that Ella would be joining us.

“Oh great, can’t wait to meet her. We’ll come and pick you up. Are you just meeting her?” This was followed by talk of dress code for the evening and some slight bitching about Jason.

The meal went without any hitches. Except talk of sex, in which I think Ella felt slightly uncomfortable, and of course she would when Madeline asked me what anal was like, I had to respond to let her know she was joking.

When leaving, after Skye and Aidan left in their car, Ella and Madeline ran to the toilet together. I could only wonder what they were talking about.

“Maybe they’re touching each other,” Adam said, breaking our silence as we sat in his car.

“We can only hope,” I responded with a smirk. “So, nice car.” Trying not to make any awkward situation in which we would both sit in silence hoping that they’d both come from the toilet as quickly as possible, I made ‘masculine talk’ which involved talk about sport, women and cars. This time, it was only cars.

“Thanks.” An awkward situation was avoided by the return of Ella and Madeline.
We took Ella home, making small talk as you typically do on first dates, except in this situation is was a first “triple date”, with me kissing her as she got out of the car.

“Aren’t you going to kiss her goodnight?” Madeline asked.

“I already have Madeline.” Did she think that I was a naïve boyfriend who didn’t know the correct relationship etiquette?

As soon as she slammed the door shut, and we drove out of her street, I started with all of the regular post-meeting questions: “So, what do you think?” “Do you like her?” “Isn’t she beautiful?” “Do you honestly like her?”

Madeline answered with “Yeah, I like her. She’s nice. A bit tall though. It intimidates me.” I laughed.

“Do you know what I mean when I say she’s a little bit young?” It was like I was trying to find reasons for them not to like her.

“Yeah, but I mean she is younger than you so that is to be expected.”

“I guess so. But she’s just a bit clingy. It’s a little overbearing.”

I told them the story of my New Years Eve hell, which I’d forever think of as the night I lost my head over a girl.

“Noah, that sometimes happens with girls though, they can’t help it.” Surprisingly this didn’t come from Adam, but Madeline.

“Yeah, it’s true. It does happen with girls.” Adam chipped in. I guess it was good to get advice, that wasn’t necessarily advice, but more of an approval that this was normal.

“But, I think the best thing about a relationship is being able to walk away from it, and there’s been more than one occasion where she hasn’t been able to do that.”

“I see what you mean,” Madeline responded.

Was I right? Was walking away the best thing about a relationship? Isn’t it that that keeps it fresh? And isn’t it the being able to return that makes it better when you seem them after a period of not being able to? Or did I have it all wrong? Was it the more time you spent together, the more together you were as a couple, and the more validated your relationship was? Was that what it was all about? The validation? I could only wonder as I climbed from Adam’s car and walked down my driveway. What was the best thing about us?

"Winter Wonderland?"

Christmas. "Jesus is the reason for this season," Ella told me. But Christmas for me, not being Christian, was just a time to over-indulge in all things nice and unhealthy, so that was chocolate and alcohol, and spend time with my family, something that seldom happened during the year. I also consciously decided that this year I'd spend some of it with Ella too, choosing to go to a house party of a friend of hers to celebrate the incoming of 2007.

“What are you doing for New Year’s Eve Noah?” She asked me on a bus trip into the city.

“Um, I'm not exactly sure yet. I might be going to Scotland with my Nana though.” I replied.

“Ohh…OK.”

“Why?”

“Just Rachel’s having a party and I want you to come.”

“Oh. Well. I’ll see I guess.”

She smiled. I’ve come to learn that woman always seem to have the upper hand when it comes to relationships, but that’s another story for another time.

Plans were made and broken up until New Year’s Eve, and Christmas seemed like a blur of wrapping paper, turkey, alcohol and chocolate. I eventually decided against having my own party, for fear of it being crap, and going out into town for the celebrations, so I only had one choice left: going to Rachel’s.

Kiri, Samantha and I arrived with the fashionista twins of our circle, who we were quite close to: Hayley and Brooke Carmientti. They were miniature Paris and Nicky Hiltons and loved all things fashionable. Kiri and Samantha had also arrived with a bottle of vodka each, to mark the occasion.

“I’ve been trying to find any excuse to not come, but I just couldn’t. It’s all because I'm not the ‘meet the parents’ type of guy. They make me uncomfortable!” I told Danny through instant messenger.

“Don’t be stupid. Rather soon than later right? Plus, they’ll be drunk. It’s a celebration. They’ll want to celebrate.”

“True.”

I had a thought: could it be that they were just as nervous to meet me? Do they want the approval that their daughter is with the ‘right guy’? Could I be ‘Mr Right’?

“Noah, have you ever thought you over-analyse?” Danny later IM-ed me.

“Just a bit…”

The party was full when we’d arrived and Ella seemed to already be drunk, giggling and laughing with her brother’s girlfriend Gauri Spoota. Gauri was one of the top six women tennis players in Britain, and placed at around 200 in the World. And her boyfriend, Ivan, who was in turn Ella’s brother, was in the top one hundred male tennis players in Britain.

The night wore and everyone else had seemed to get drunker and drunker apart from me, although I was still having a good time…just.

Ella was gone. I couldn’t stand her like that. It got to 3.30am and I really needed to go with the Carmientti twins and Samantha and Kiri to catch a taxi home to see my family, but she just wouldn’t let me go.

“Stay with me Noah.”
“Look after me Noah.”
“My parents think you’re staying at mine. Stay Noah.”
“Noah, look after me.”
“Sort me out, Noah!”

I was bored. I just wanted to leave. And she wasn’t making it any easier. She’d told me previously that she couldn’t spend her New Years Eve away from her family, yet that was what I was doing for her, and she couldn’t allow me to go and see my family after being with her all night celebrating! Something snapped within me.

“Look Ella. I'm away from my family and I want to see them for the New Years celebrations. Is that so much to ask? I came here for you, to spend time with you. I meet your parents, I dance in front of your parents, and I’ve been looking after you and feeding you water. I just want to go and see my family. Hayley and Brooke are waiting outside in the cold for me and you’re delaying me and now they’re getting angry.”

She looked at me with puppy dog eyes. But it didn’t bother me.

“That’s a lie,” I later told Danny.

It did bother me; but not enough to make me stay. She had pushed me over the line. Had I been too harsh? After all, she was drunk. Could I have handled it differently? Who knows.

That morning Kiri, Samantha and I slept in the Carmientti’s house. We hadn’t managed to find a taxi and their parents offered us their guestrooms, we couldn’t refuse.

Ella had been bombarding me with phone calls and text messages, in which I lied.

“I'm in the taxi, on my way home. I’ll text you in the morning. Xxxx”

Why had I lied? “I guess it’s just easier this way, no one gets hurt, especially in her drunken state,” I told Hayley over a cup of home made tea the next morning.

“But…”

“But no! She really got to me last night; it was like I was on a leash. I felt like she was my responsibility even though her parents were in another room. After we left, she rang me countless times, hung up on me and then texted me even more. It was like she was Big Brother and she needed to know my every move.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Of course it’s true.”
I got home and slept the rest of the day, ignoring texts from everyone. I couldn’t face it, and needed time to cool off from Ella. I thought to myself in between periods of sleeping: could this really be the beginning of the end? Or was it just parts of the process?

"How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?"

I arrived in London and got my transfer train to Essex for the 21st birthday of a close friend Tess. She'd been in California for the past two years or so and wanted to see everyone before she applied to University. I met with the usual gang: Ashley, Hermione and Adam and Hermione's German friend Martin. The drink was flowing and everyone was having a great time. Adam brought up an incident in October where Hermione and I got drunk and made out. He kept referencing it.

Hermione, Ashley, Adam and I had been in London before our trip to New York, which Hermione didn't attend. Hermione and I were persuaded to go to the noted gay club G-A-Y, after heavy persuasion from Ashley and Adam, and we thought we'd seen Daniel Radcliffe walk past. It turned out to be great fun. Lots of cocktails. Lots of flash photography. Lots of dancing. At one point the barman called me a "beetch" playfully, presumably he meant "bitch", for me not drinking his Bloody Mary's. Then Hermione and I got closer, and as we left for the station to make sure Hermione got her train, there was some sort of lustful chemistry between us. We kissed. And kept kissing at different locations in London until we reached the station, where we kissed goodbye.

Ashley told me, and everyone else later that she found it "so funny that the two gays didn't have as much fun as the two straights."

Since then, Hermione and I have talked and remained friends, no more no less. But the past, and my past actions, always seem to bite me in the butt.

Oh, here's a love story for you. Once upon a summer, my friend Danny fell in love. It was sweet really. They met when he had signed up for a summer abroad programme in the USA. They spent the week holding hands, exchanging life stories, and telling each other they'd keep in contact for life. Photos of the two were taken, and memories were made. It was all very sweet, and the first of it's kind for Danny, who was a serial single and never really seemed to commit. Although Danny and this girl, we'll call her Kitty, never commited, or even publicly acknowledged their feelings for each other, they and everyone else saw the connection they'd made, and Danny and Kitty at least were hoping that connection would stay strong even back in England in the dark, depths of the 'English winter'.

Their parting at the airport was "hell" Danny told me. Once they'd claimed their baggage, they just looked at each other with Kitty proclaiming "This is gonna be hell!" and kissing him on the lips.

"That was a testement to the intensity of this whole Kitty situation," he told me. It was obvious he still had feelings for her.

They kissed several more times, "no tongues though", before Danny eventually left with Ashley for the North-East of England, and she remained in London.

"It hurt so much leaving her. It made me depressed. Just thinking about her it was..." Danny struggled to find the words.

"I know man, I know."

He made a visit in Dundee, where she was studying dance at University, in an attempt to keep their connection strong, but it was then that Danny realised things weren't the same and that, as corny as it sounds, it wasn't summer anymore. He made a conscious decision to get over her, though he then announced to a table full of his friends at a mutual friend of ours 18th birthday celebration meal that she was his “true love”.

Now, what makes the story relevant to today, and how you can never leave the past in the past, is he has a girlfriend. He adores her. But on a recent night out, where he was hideously drunk, he got home and signed into MSN.

“A confessional ensued as I told Kitty EVERYTHING! From meeting in USA to now. How I felt. I don’t remember exact words. But she returned my feelings for her. Now, what do I do Noah? Do I keep what I have, and what I can see working and where I can see the relationship growing into love, or gamble it for a long-distance relationship, but a relationship where the love has already been established? Noah, seriously, help me!” He ate the pepperoni from the top of his pizza. I could tell he’d lost his appetite.

“I honestly don’t know Danny, I really don’t. I think this ones a one for the ladies to advise, and, maybe you’re gonna have to figure this one out on your own.”

“Great, just what I was afraid of.” He sipped the water whilst simultaneously looking worried.

It was a tough situation to be in. I had a thought: could you ever really leave the past behind? How in the past is the past? Will it always find a way to get to your heart?

I looked at Hermione. She was laughing with Martin and Tess, and Ashley and Adam were dancing. I sipped my OJ. I thought to myself that there was definitely ‘the spark’, but I could only imagine us as friends. I knew though that although our kiss was in the past, it would always be there whenever we saw each other.

"Cheap Vodka and Cheap Clubs"

"So do you love her?" Skye enquired over a jug of Long Island Iced Tea, on a night out.

"Well...um..." This was followed by even more 'umming' and 'awing' as I tried everything and anything to use everything and anything but the 'L' word. "It's a bit early to say. We've only been going out," I hate that term - I mean where exactly were we going? "for a little under a month."

"Noah...does she give you butterflies?"

"She does." I replied.

I couldn't help but think back to feeling like a 15 year-old again - which is exactly what Ella is.

Before I met up with Skye and her boyfriend Aidan, who was our designated driver for the evening, I'd spent the afternoon with Ella at a shopping centre, gathering presents for Christmas.

"We spent the afternoon holding hands and looking into each others eyes," I told Aspen while Skye and Aidan were at the bar. I failed to tell him about our "fragrance war" in the perfume shop, fearing it would sound too immature.

"Puppy love Noah, puppy love. You have to be careful, remember how girls at 15 got attached really easy?"

"You think? Ugh I honestly do not care - so what if she's younger - and an adolescent - I really like her; is a year and a few months really that big of a deal?"

"Just wait..."

Why had I resigned myself to using the world adolescent? What was I? A 75 year old man talking about "those pesky adolescents on the metro"?

I spent my train journey down to London the next day thinking about Ella. Why was I so scared of the word 'adolescent'? I mean, we'd all been there.

Hungover, with big dark glasses, and a bottle of water becoming a permanant fixture in my hand, I phoned her.

"Ugh Ella, I feel so bad!"

"I'm not surprised. Babe, when you phoned me you were slurring and shouting and everything!"

"Oh wow! I don't know what happened. I think it was the house treble vodkas," they were cheaper apparently, "Oh no. Oh no! Please tell me you didn't hear Wonderwall!" Oasis' classic had come on and Skye and I had phoned her.

"Yeah, it was if I was really there."

"I actually cannot believe it. I can't believe how drunk I got. I can't believe how hungover and sick I feel right now. Well, I'm gonna go, probably get some food. I'll see you babba!"

There were so many thing I felt like I need to say - like how I quite literally am disaster. I just wanted to try and warn her about me before things got anymore serious. For example, I'm a serial binge drinker who you'll quite possibly receive calls from at 2am, totally wasted from cheap vodka from a cheap club. But for now I wouldn't.

"I think I'm still drunk, " I thought to myself, "Oh God!"

"Status: In A Relationship"

There comes a time in everyone's life when they change their status. For Richard Branson it was becoming a 'Sir'. For Camilla it was becoming 'Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall'. And for me, it was changing my MySpace status to: 'In a Relationship'.

In a world of text messages, instant messages and MySpace, how hard could it be to change my status? The answer? A lot harder than I thought.

I spoke to a friend over MSN one day.

"Aspen, do you think I should change my MySpace to 'In a Relationship'?" I asked him.

"Um...sure, go for it!" He replied.

I just didn't want to put myself in a position of vulnerability, but I did want to show Ella that I did care.

"How long have you been 'going out' then?" He asked.

"Since the infamous party where I got out-of-my-mind drunk and declared my love for her several times, to her face...AND in several voicemails."

"Oh...Well I definately think you should change it." He reassured me that it was the right thing to do.

Was Aspen right? Was I really ready to take the plunge and click the button?

A couple of days later, on a usually quiet Thursday night, I was making my way into the city for another 18th birthday celebration. Kiri's. We, we being a group of her closest friends, were invited for an Italian at The Gate. Long Island Ice Tea after Long Island Ice Tea, the conversation fell into the area of age difference in partners, specifically the age difference between me and Ella.

"So are you not bothered by it?" Saycon asked me.

"Not really...You can't help who you fall for." Wow, I sounded like I knew what I was talking about. This was met with an "Aw" from the 7 other ladies at the table, with me and Aspen looking at each other and rolling our eyes.

"Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed," Aspen said, this met with open mouths and shocked gasps, "is what someone told me. I think it's sick!" He hastily added.

I laughed and laughed, while taking a break to order another jug of Long Island Ice Tea.

Conversation led to elsewhere, and Samantha leaned over the table and whispered: "Don't worry Noah, I won't judge you."

The next night I was invited to another 18th birthday party. This time at Studio, a nightclub in the town my college is situated. I had invited Ella to come along and she did. We spent the night drinking vodka, holding hands and dancing/kissing/gazing into each others eyes.

"It all seemed very adolescent," Danny said to me later, "She just seemed to be infatuated by you, and you her, like you were..."

"...15 again?" I was thinking exactly the same. Ella was 15. I started to wonder what I was getting myself into. Was this puppy love? Or was I forgetting the feelings I had for girls when I was 15?

Was I becoming 15 again? Was I demonstrating that 'you're only as young as you're last girlfriend'?

"Hot Kisses & Hangovers"

A couple of weeks back, I attended an 18th birthday party; it was one in a succession of 18th birthday parties I've been to lately. "Is Ella going to be there?" My friend Danny asked me. "I think so...I hope so." I knew she would be. She'd been friends with the newly turned 18 year old since she was 7. "Well have fun, and just make sure you don't get together when you're drunk, she might think it's just the alcohol."

He made a valid point. If I got hideously drunk and declared my true feelings for her, maybe it would be passed off as another one of those drunken declarations of love that always seem to happen when I get drunk at parties.

I had a thought. Could alcohol be to blame for the pairings of many couples? Could it be Brad and Angelina shared a bottle of wine before falling head over heels in love? And how about TomKat...could it be there romance started over a beer or two? And maybe if Shakespeare hadn't had his way Romeo and Juliet would have fallen in love over several shots of Tequila. It was an interesting thought, and one that may turn out to be true.

I spent almost thirty minutes trying to choose what would look perfect, hopefully trying to seduce Ella into a relationship. "Sorted," I hoped to myself that I looked good enough, because I'd be lying to say that looks, and impressions, don't matter.

I met my friends Danny, Samantha and Kiri for a few pre-party drinks that would hopefully build my 'Dutch courage'. We made plans to visit London and spend copious amounts of money on watching the many new musicals to hit London this season: Wicked and Avenue Q were the front runners. And then we left for the party.

Our arrival at the party was met with, for me at least, tedious hand shakes with people I never speak to and drunken hugs from the people I do speak to. I immediately scouted the room for Ella. I couldn't see her. I'd been assured by her she'd be here so I made my way to the bar.

Three double vodka and cokes later Samantha told me of her arrival. I bounded over to her and greeted her with a hug - one of those drunken hugs I always complained about.

"Ella! How are you babe?" Did I just say 'babe'? I never say 'babe'.

"I'm great Noah. How about you? Are you drunk already?"

"No, no, don't be silly. I'm good though, really…good."

Maybe it was the lack of curry I'd eaten, or tried to eat; earlier but the vodka was sure making its mark. Then again, it could be that three double vodka and cokes is actually a lot! Already I seemed to be £15 out of pocket.

"Hey. Do you want to get a drink? Come to the bar with me." I grabbed Ella's hand and pulled her to the bar.

"Can I get another double vodka and coke, and....." I looked at Ella who looked at the barman.

"....a vodka, lemon and lime please."

We looked at each other and smiled...'Could this be the start of something new?' I thought to myself.

After what seemed like forever, and after what I've been told was six double vodka and cokes, we went to dance...I say dance, but I actually mean "stupidly shaking what your mama gave you" as a friend one described it.

"So..." I began.

"So..." She replied.

I thought to myself 'here goes...' and went in for the kill.

We spent what felt like two hours kissing. Just kissing. Occassionally we glanced at each other. Then more kissing. Then a trip to the bar. And then again more kissing. All the while holding hands.

"That's my Dad behind you." She whispered to me.

"FUCK! What?"

"That's my Dad."

OH SHIT! Usually first introductions to your partner's parents aren't when you've had over half a litre of vodka and are dancing like a fool whilst kissing their daughter.

"I must have made such a good impression" I told Danny over lunch several days later.

"Well at least they've seen the real you.." He tried to console me, but it just wasn't working.

"What? An older, alcoholic lathario seducing their younger daughter without thinking of the consequences. Fucking great."

"Jeez Noah, exageration much?" He said while pushing a lettuce leaf into his mouth, "Seriously, calm down. I bet they were drunk too! You shouldn't worry. They probably don't even remember."

"Ella told me they do. Apparently I got her to introduce me to her parents, and she did! Then when I left I left her a string of voicemails that she happily played to me at the bus stop that Monday. Great!"

There was a moment of silence before Danny changed the subject. "So how did you feel the next morning then?"

"Like shit. Absolute shit. And what's more is that I had to travel with my parents and brother down to Leeds to drop him back at University. Like I even wanted to."

"Lesson to be learnt maybe?" He asked, rhetorically. I smirked and drank the rest of my water.

Maybe Danny was right. There probably was a lesson in all of this. But I was probably too hungover to figure it out.

"Home is where the heart is meant to be..."

Home. A safe-place. A heaven. A utopia. New York City.

At the end of October I spent a week in the city I like to refer to as home. It was my first visit, but I'd been wanting to visit for years. I knew I'd instantly fall in love, and not want to leave...and I did.

There was something about the city that just clicked with me. Maybe it was the tall buildings. Maybe it was the 'hub' like atmosphere it had there. Maybe it was Broadway. Maybe it was the parks surrounded by sky scrapers. Whatever it was, it made me want to stay even more. I thought 'fuck everything at home, this is where I want to be, why should I leave?'

Reality maybe? Money. Jobs. Visas. Seriously, would it even be a possibility.

I told my friend Sally as we walked from breakfast one morning: "I just feel so at home here."

She replied with: "Yeah, I could imagine you living here, it suits you."

My heart melted a little more. Who am I kidding? My heart melted A LOT!

All I know is, home is where the heart is meant to be, and I sure know my heart isn't meant to be here.

"The Age of Innocence?"

Recently, I've been getting to know this girl. She's funny, she's sweet, and when she smiles I smile. It can't be helped. "She's like this little bundle of fun, and that's what need right now" I told a friend over coffee at our favourite little coffee shop, just off one of the main streets in the city.

"Lately, my life has consisted of homework, timed essays, studying for the timed essays, university applications, worrying about the university applications, and heavy drinking sessions at various bars around the city on Friday nights. So, right about now, I could use a little fun and laughter". She smiled weakily, and I hastily added that my drinking sessions had been fun, realising I'd been with her for most of them. "I just need that change, you know?" trying desperately to dig myself out of the whole.

"Yeah, I know," she said, taking a long sip from her mocha.

As we left, she asked me "tell me more about Ella." To be honest, I didn't know a lot, but I wanted to know more. But I decided to wing it, and once my mouth opened, it wouldn't close.

"Well, she's a student at my school, blonde hair, smiley, just really warm."

"How old is she?"

SHIT! Alarm bells! How old actually was she? I knew she was younger than me, I could tell by the uniform. So that already added up to a year. Could it actually be two years? SHIT!

"Old enough..." I tried.

"How old Noah?"

"...two years younger than me." I looked away.

"TWO YEARS...Noah."

"It's honestly not that bad." I lept in. It wasn't that bad, giving it more thought. "I'm the youngest in the senior class, by a lot, and she, I think, is one of the oldest, so it can only be a year and a couple of months." I later found out it was. My birthday being end of August, hers end of April.

"Noah...I won't judge, but think about it." And with that, we went looking for a birthday present for a friend's birthday our memory had temporarily misplaced.

"6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one"

'There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.'

So, I guess it's true. When you're down, lonely, have something on your mind, or even ill like me, the thought of that one person's face lightens your day up. Sometimes it's that one person who helps you through the day. Sometimes it's that one person who texts you before, and after, events they know you're doing. And sometimes, that one person is all you need.

"I bet you'd live here if you could...and be one of us"

So now I'm home, with the fire on and MTV marathons playing out of my TV set. 'This town' is their town apparently.

MTV's 'Rich Girls' is vulgar, yet compulsive. It follows 'rich girls' Ally Hilfiger and Jaime Gleicher as they take trips to LA and London, and live their high life in NYC. We see them graduate High School, reminding us they really are just girls, and we see them, well Jaime at least, starting college.

Throughout the series, they talk about adopting children as if they were adopting a new handbag. They discuss where they could adopt from as if they were discussing where they could buy their new purse from: Cambodia, Africa, England...Versace, Chloe, Gucci. And it's this that makes the viewer think that they haven't really thought about it, and are helping others to help themselves.

At times though, we see the vulnerable side the 'rich girls'. Jaime has depression and suffers anxiety attacks. In some episodes it's clear, particularly in London, that Jaime is not that well. Her best friend Ally also suffers an emotion breakdown or sorts when she has no idea what she'll do with her life, which leads her to realising she had no childhood.

But, in the season finale as Jaime prepares for her stay at Barnard College in NY, she is happy, and prepared for a new chapter in her life. She even feels ready to talk to an old friend who hurt her emotionally after they graduated. Ally, her best friend, temps at her Dad's fashion house, and here, we see a possible career for her.

So, although it's vulgar in many, many, places, looking into NY's high society is voyeurism at it's best and watching the girls thinking they're being serious and really helping out, is really quite funny.

"...And Who I Am Now"

My name is Noah Austin (psuedonym, naturally). I'm in my last year (a senior your could say) at a community school's 6th Form. It's your typical school: lots of people...nameless faces and faceless names. Seas and oceans of black blazors, white shirts and stripey yellow ties flood the corridors in between lesson, with dots of 'normality' (i.e. the non uniformed clothes of the 6th formers) every now and then. Strict internet rules that piss us all off and computers with printers that seldom work. Grades that you wish could be higher, but hardly ever get there, and teachers you sometimes wish were a little better, but again, they never get there. So, all in all, your typical school.

So who am I...a jagged little pill? A supposed former infatuation junkie? A little bit of everything all rolled into one. I guess you could say that. Keep reading, and then maybe you'll learn a little about me. I'm still looking for that 'one'.

"The Break-Up"

It started with 'maybe she doesn't like me' thoughts and ended with a break-up...from her side.

It was something along the lines of, "I'm not sure I feel the same way about you as you do about me."

Oh really? I would find out later that this was one of her 'lines' used to shrug guys off.

"But 14 days," I told Madeline, "That HAS to be some sort of record...for me anyway!" I added sarcastically.

"I wonder what took her so long," Madeline giggled. I laughed. I surprisingly wasn't feeling as bad as I thought maybe I would feel about it.

14 days...pffft, lets try a bit harder next time eh?