"Hello?"

It has been approximately two and a half years since I last wrote here. Looking back at what I’ve written, I can’t get over how much I made of what I would now consider to be small events. I mention MySpace (one for some of the older kids reading). I have entries on there from 2004, that’s almost seven years ago. I feel so much has changed, yet I’m not really any wise. I do, however, cringe at some of the things that I wrote. I reveled in the nightlife and how I’d be on guest lists. It’s a surprise I even remembered any events to write about. But I did. And those were real things that really happened to me.

So where am I now? I’m with degree (BA Hons) and still living in Leeds with my three best mates. I work for a major mobile communications company trying to recover debt from customers. Jaime, Ella and Lyndsay are all distant memories, with only occasional Facebook messages and BBM’s. And what about the other girl that was in my life? The will-they-won’t-they dynamic I had with Faye. Well, she’s still in my life. And we are still will-they-won’t-they.

Last you heard she was dating a new guy after leading me on. Well, they stopped seeing each other after several weeks and when she returned to Leeds we barely saw each other. We’ve seen each on-and-off since, never really committing to anything. I still can’t help but wonder: what the fuck is going on?

One drunken night at a mutual friends birthday I declared my love, and to be fair to Faye, she took it on the chin and we still joke about it to this day.

After a period of maybe four or five months of no contact, I decided ‘enough is enough’ and we began talking again, almost daily now for two or three weeks. It was almost as if not having a New Years kiss spurred me on. That’s not to say the only reason I’m making any sort of effort is because I was sad I didn’t have a New Years kiss, except with two of my housemates which was totally bromosexual. I think I’ve just kicked my arse into gear, a new year and no longer afraid. We’ve been making plans, discussing our days and reliving old memories. We had planned a road trip to the seaside as our first ‘official’ date, but that was postponed as she has had to move house ASAP because her friend split up with her boyfriend who’s Dad just so happens to own the house they live in. Being the strong man I am, I said I’d help move boxes in return for a cup of tea. Cheeky.

What I’ve realized looking back is how I have completely changed, yet I’m exactly the same. I think the word is: older. I’m so much more ready to get into a relationship now than I ever have been in my whole entire life. Every time I’m with Faye I find my old emotions flooding back, and they’ve never felt so real or current. I find myself, as sad as this is, waiting by the phone for her to call or text. Maybe we’re both ready to take the leap of faith that is so definitely overdue.

I’ll keep you updated.

"A Reminder"

Seeing photos of Jaime with her boyfriend Rory was always going to shake me a little. So when a new photo album from their trip to Portsmouth popped up, I was intrigued to look. Even though I knew it would hurt, I had to look anyway. Curiosity got the better of me, I guess. And I found exactly what I expected: the “couple” photos.

There were photos of them in embraces, kissing, holding hands and frolicking on the beach. And it did hurt. Thoughts of ‘that could have been me’ went through my head. I suddenly felt something come over me. Then I had a thought: I was glad that wasn’t me in the photo. Jaime looked happy, but what she was doing while she wasn’t around Rory told a very different story. Seeing Rory looking blissfully happy, I felt this overwhelming pity. Doesn’t he have the right to know what his beloved girlfriend has been doing?

I brought it up with my friend Kayla. “Haley says that she really loves Rory though.”

“If she really loved him, which I doubt she actually does, she would respect him and wouldn’t cheat on him.”

“True dat bro, true dat,” I replied, with a smile.
Knowing what I know, the ‘what could have been’ with Jaime has now become the ‘what I wouldn’t have wanted’...and right now, with Jaime, that’s the way I like it.

"76 Days Later"

A whole bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks since my last blog and I feel no further forward, nor do I feel I’ve gone back. In that bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks I had a one night stand (with Haley’s friend) and then reconciled with Faye because of that one night stand, and by reconciliation I mean we kissed, and drunkenly discussed a relationship before she ran home – as the cool kids would say: WTF? I moved home for a job opportunity with my friend Ashley which will last until September. Oh, and I also had an encounter with Jaime...twice.

The first time was when she came to Leeds to visit Haley. I rejected an invitation for a night out with them and settled for picking her up from the train station, slightly awkward conversation with her over cappuccinos, and watching Indy tackle the Temple of Doom with Glynn (who is moving into a new house with us when our lease at our flat is up.) The next morning I met Haley and Jaime and found out she’d basically drunk too much wine, and ended up losing her purse, ID’s and bank cards. Is it nasty if I call it karma? She saw me and hugged me (awkward...) and started sobbing onto my shoulder. I offered her a hoody (my good deed for the day).

The next was when Haley invited me to Tiger Tiger in Newcastle with Jaime. I had work, serving people pints of beer and cocktails, so decided to head over after work after knocking off early (it was a Monday so we weren’t particularly busy.) Being the designated driver for the evening, having driven straight from work changing my t-shirt in the car park adjacent to St. James’ Park, I was on Red Bull. And after some shameless dancing with an inebriated Jaime and Haley, we called it a night at 3am and headed home. I dropped Haley off first, almost on purpose just to see what, if anything would happen between Jaime and me...masochist I know!

Jaime: Your iPod...every song...ugh...it’s like we have the same mind.
Noah: Well I’m glad you like the songs.
Jaime: You need to send me them, or...make me a CD.
Noah: Sure thing.
-silence as we pulled up to her house-
Jaime: You just get it Noah.
Noah: What?
Jaime: Everything. You just get IT!
Noah: Really? Well that’s cool.
-pause-
Jaime: I’ve missed you.
-Jaime hugs me, awkwardly leaning over gear stick and hand break-
Jaime: I really have. I have missed you.
-I try to dislodge from embrace and there is a ‘moment’ the type of ‘moment’ that happens before a kiss ensues, I break said ‘moment’ by pulling away-
Jaime: I really have missed you, you know.
Noah: I know.
Jaime: Well stop being such a guy about it and get emotional.
Noah: Well, I’ve missed you too. (It was half true, I sort of had missed her.)

We hugged, said our goodbyes, and Jaime added: “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

I relayed all of this to Haley over coffee and all she could say was “Poor Rory, Jaime might be a good friend, but she’s such a bad girlfriend.”

So, 76 days since my last blog and where am I? No further forward than I am back? I don’t know. I’m happy being single. Let’s leave it at that...

"The 'Date' That Never Was"

‘Date day’ with Jaime came and went, and at 10.30pm that night my Blackberry buzzed.

“Hi. I’m so sorry I didn’t text you. Had one those stressful days today where you lose faith in humanity. I’m in a mood and I know I’m shit for not texting you. I really wanted to see you before you left for Leeds. Have a safe journey. Xxxx”

Needless to say, I didn’t reply. I hadn’t expected her to text so when she didn’t I got on with what tasks needed completing: laundry, packing, train tickets etc. While we’re talking about trains, a train metaphor for you: Noah’s train has left Jaime’s station (double entendre or what?) and is slowly moving further and further away. I can’t wait to reach my next station, which will hopefully not be another station marked by Jaime. Has the sun truly set on Jaime?

"Comfort"

After my night out with Lyndsey, from which I’d found out she’d cheat on her current boyfriend with me, and realising although I’d sleep with her, and Ella (hey, I’m only male), that I felt so comfortable in moving on from Jaime that I felt I could talk to her again. I’d told myself, and her, that in order for me to move on, and get over her, as she had done for me, that I just needed for her to not be in my life. She couldn’t text me when she was drunk, nor could I do that to her. I needed to simply erase her. Looking back, it was quite a harsh move, but it worked. Now, a simple Facebook message here or there couldn’t harm...could it? Well, that Facebook message turned into an IM conversation, which turned into an “I would love to see you before you go; lets meet for coffee.” Of course, that was paraphrasing, the real IM conversation is as below.

Jaime: Hey. How are you?
Noah: Hi. I’m good. And you?
Jaime: Also good.
Noah: So what’s going on? How are things right now?
Jaime: Things are good. Just enjoying being back for four weeks.
Noah: Four weeks? Wow! I’m back to Leeds on Saturday.
Jaime: That’s sad. I was hoping to see you before you left. Maybe go for a coffee?
Noah: Well I’m pretty busy up until about Thursday. Is Thursday afternoon any good, or even Friday daytime?
Jaime: Yeah, both are good for me.
Noah: Nice one. Starbucks?
Jaime: Of course. I’ve got to go. I’ll text you about Starbucks, I won’t forget, haha. Xx
Noah: Alright, well then I’ll be seeing you soon. X
Jaime: X
Noah: -awkward pause before signing out-


Was I being a total guy and reading too much into the kisses? Maybe it was nothing, but maybe it was something. I’m just hoping it wasn’t the something.
I’ve had a couple of realisations lately. One: I’m pretty glad that I’m not in a relationship with Jaime, because if I was, God knows how many times she’d have cheated on me by now. And two: long distance relationships sometimes suck, and I wouldn’t be able to mack on totally hot chicks (who are out of my league) like I did on Saturday.

"Too Little, Too Late"

It took a whole day or so for this whole ‘not caring’, and ‘just playing the field’ mentality to go out of the window. I come home to find out Lyndsey, who I was, and still am, meeting up with Saturday night (along with a couple of other friends) is ‘in a relationship’. I think I might actually be the walking advertisement for ‘too little, too late’. Example A - Ella got straight into a relationship about a month after we broke up and she’s sill with the guy – I’ve been talking with her, and I don’t want to say I like her again but there’s still definitely feelings there a year on. Lyndsey was single up until about a week ago – I don’t even know the guy. And Jaime...well, which guy is she with tonight? We won’t go there. I always am too little, too late. I always have been, but I’m determined not to be any longer. I think I need to start being more open with how I feel, laying my cards down on the table. Is rejection better than missing out on the ‘what could have been’ moments in life?

"Stop & Stare"

Since the Jaime fiasco has died down, it's like I have become a new person. I no longer think about her every day, of course there are always going to be reminders that make me think of her: a certain song, a certain smell, a certain whatever. And I know that she'll always be my one weakness, that one girl that wherever you go, whatever you do, you know you'd always go back to her. And I'm alright with that. Because now I am no longer fixated on her, and waiting on her, and not wanting to start something else with someone else and saving myself (no, not like that) for her.

The Faye situation could have been something special, but I was still holding out for Jaime. Now that opportunity has passed, so I am slowly trying to work my way back into Faye's good books. Who knows what could happen, but I slightly have a good feeling about it. Until something happens though, I'm content with partying with the guys (Glynn, Oli, MJ etc) until then.

Although Jaime will always be that one weakness, that one girl you never quite get over but you can move on from, it's like I've rediscovered the pubescent teenager I was once. Girls...everywhere. And I'm no longer comparing them to Jaime. Blonde girls. Brunette girls. Boob girls. Ass girls. Girls girls. Girls. I've become some sort of horndog...but this can only be a positive step away from Jaime.

"You Think You Know"

After feeling so optimistic about Jaime, and not only having to move on, but wanting to move on, she came back to shit all over my optimism. A night after my conversation with Hayley, as I was settling down to sleep, my Blackberry buzzed. I would have usually left it but curiosity got the better of me.

J: Come on Noah, this is unhealthy. You can’t just end a few years of friendship.
N: I’m not ending it, I’m putting it on hold.
N: PS. I hope you had a nice birthday. - (I know how that sounds, but I honestly meant it in the nicest possible way.)
J: I can’t even tell whether you’re being sarcastic anymore. - (Come on, I’m not that evil.)
N: I’m not being sarcastic, I’m not evil. I meant it.
J: Well what about all of your status’?
N: Facebook? Really? – (At this point I couldn’t believe she was judging my emotions from the status on my Facebook profile...most of which are usually “Noah is trying to print photos.” Or “Noah is tired/hungover/hungry” (delete applicable.)
J: Yes. I just think it’s unhealthy Noah. We were good friends. And your Facebook status’ are very emotional.
N: Oh, I saw your friends post to you about a ‘certain someone’s status’. I take it that’s me? - (I didn’t snoop, honest, Facebook users out there will know if two friends are your friends it will occasionally post there wall post on your news feed.)
J: What? That’s not even about you!
N: Ok, well I’m sorry. – (Like fuck was I sorry.)
J: See! – (Yes, this texting session is over bitch...and I’m NEVER derogatory towards woman, I was brought up with respect.)

“At this point I was fuming!” I later relayed to Hayley’s twin Brooke. With maybe some intent to change her opinion on Jaime like mine had. “Argh, just thinking about it makes me mad. Then, she had the audacity to change her Facebook status to ‘Jaime thinks people shouldn’t read too much into things, and stop thinking it’s about them when it isn’t, and it also shows stalkerish tendencies.’ What. The. Fuck?”

“She really put that?” Brooke responded, in her high pitched voice.

“Yeah she did. On fucking Facebook too. It makes me feel like I’m back at school. Stupid drama over stupid things. It really has got to me, and it’s made me realise she isn’t the kind, loving girl I thought she was. If she had respect for me the way I had for her, she’d let me do what I need to do to move on.”

“Noah, she really isn’t, not only is she going out with Rory, but she’s been fooling around with another guy, AND,” Brooke paused, “She’s been sleeping with her flatmate. All during her relationship with Rory.”

“Well,” I tried to find words, “then she really isn’t, and I’m glad you told me, because this has just made such a difference in helping me move on, it really has! You think you know someone, but you really don’t have any idea.”

From that moment on, Noah lived happily ever after...without Jaime. The End.

"Getting There"

I arrived back in Leeds with the whole Jaime/Rory situation weighing heavily on my mind. Luckily, my friend Glynn was on hand to give me an ultimatum I actually wanted to hear.

“Look Noah. You can do two things. Sit in, sulk, and maybe even cry you pussy. Or you come and get drunk with me and Noah2.”

“What time do you want me to meet you?” was my answer. In theory this seemed like the perfect plan. Getting drunk with a few of the guys at Noah2’s house, beers, movies, PS3 – what could possibly go wrong?

A bottle of red later (wine, not any sort of poisonous substance), I staggered along the road to meet Glynn, who had bought with him a crate of 24 bottles of beer. “Heavy night or what?” I asked him.

“You know it.”

After watching ‘Run, Fat boy, Run’, Pro Evo on the PS and the 24 bottles of beer divided between the three of us, we decided to venture out onto a local indie night. Some familiar faces with even less familiar music. I staggered around the dance floor, clutching to a pint of beer as if my life depended on it. I’ve always been told that I never do know when to stop, and it’s true. I just don’t seem to have that mind set of “OK Noah, it’s time to stop.” And I’ve always told myself it will come back to haunt me. While I lost my friends, I entered into a texting conversation with Jaime. Cue the ‘stupid...’ comments.

N: Are you happy? (Referring to her earlier Facebook status.)
J: I really am.
N: Well, that’s all I needed to know.
J: Noah?
N: Look you’re happy, you’ve moved on. Can we just leave it? Like not speak.
J: Just leave it? You texted me! Look, you had your chance but you didn’t step up.
N: I didn’t step up? How many times have I stepped up in the past only to have people come in and shit all over it...you being one of them.
J: Why are you texting me now? Because I am actually happy?
N: Can we honestly just leave it. You’ve moved on. I deserve to also. I just hope you’re happy.

I left the club with Glynn, and we were just silent, but like it is with friends, it wasn’t awkward. And like me, the walk home made the city seem at peace too.

“After I’d sent that final text I honestly felt like a release, I stood taller, I looked at things different,” I told my flatmate A, “and it sounds corny, I do know that, but I just feel so good about it.”

“So you should Noah. If anyone deserves it, it’s you...you’re a nice guy.”

“If she’s happy, and she’s moved on, then why can’t I?” This line was almost becoming a mantra to me. Positive energy breeds positive effects.

Several days passed, and it seemed as if Jaime got what I was saying. Maybe she had begun to understand how I was feeling. My Blackberry buzzed. Hayley. Jaime must have told her.

After a lengthy recap of the situation I continued, “What I need is for her to not be in my life until I’m over her. That’s the only way I can get down to the heart of the matter, so to speak, and get over her.” I told Hayley on the phone.

“Yeah, but Noah you did have your chance...”

Before she could reply with anything else I cut her off, “And she had her chance. And she didn’t take it. And now we are where we are. She’s happy and I am...getting there.” Hayley “a-ha’d”, and I made excuses and took a shower.

That night, as the water splashed on my body, I felt it was almost cleansing me of whatever love feelings I had for Jaime and I was getting there...I was getting there.

"Valentines, Shamlentines"

It has been said that you should follow your gut instincts and I do try to do that. After getting the feeling that Jaime hadn't really been willing to talk to me, with little to no contact since our vague plans of me going to stay with her, my hope was renewed when I was made aware that she'd written on my wall (not my actual wall, Facebook of course.)

"And how's Noah doing? I hope you're well. xx"

Nice, friendly, and polite. Good stuff. Slowly working my way back, I thought to myself. I'd later ask myself the question all guys want to know the answer to, or at least be given a clue towards: why are women so confusing?

I hadn't had much time to think about Jaime with my mother's birthday fast approaching and trying to organise my travel arrangements home, so I half heartedly kept returning her comments.

After travelling home with a not-so-well known CBBC TV presenter, via train, bus and another train thanks to overhead cables fucking me over, I got home three hours later than planned. Just in time to celebrate my mother's birthday, she cracked open a bottle of bubbly. What a lovely homecoming, or so I thought.

"I have this little theory," I once told my new friend Glynn, "that every time I come home something always goes wrong. Friends have changed. I've changed. Travelling is a nightmare. Something tends to go wrong, and I'm never sure whether I'm just over thinking it or whether that's just my luck." Since Ben’s departure, since which I hadn’t spoken to him, Glynn had fast become a good friend of mine.

After a good night’s sleep, which was desperately needed, I woke up to news I’d sort of expected, but still didn’t want to hear.

“Noah!! I have gossip for you. Text me back and I’ll ring you. Haley x”

Oh great, Valentine’s Day and I’m about to hear something about two people I probably don’t care about and how they hooked up and it was hot, I thought to myself. I was totally unaware of what I was about to hear.

“Noah. You won’t believe who has a boyfriend.” Haley spat at me.

“So you and that guy you live next door and have shared the lift with for months are finally going out?”

“Don’t be stupid. You know I’m still completely in love with J.”

“Jeez. Are you kidding me? Anyway, go on; tell me the big news...” There was a pause, almost as if Haley was rethinking whether she should tell me.

“Well,” another pause, then a slight giggle, “it’s Jaime! With a guy called Rory.” I was gutted. My stomach felt like it had been pulled out.

I quickly retorted like that famous character Lauren from The Catherine Tate Show, “Well, am I even bothered? No.”

“Well Noah, you do sound kind of bothered.” Was she fucking surprised? This wasn’t the first time she’d broken news about Jaime to me (i.e. the time she told me about Miguel when I was out to celebrate.)

“Well, I’m not. So you can report back to Jaime and tell her that I don’t fucking care what she does. I just hope she’s happy.” Click.

So I ended up spending Valentine’s Day with my mother, sweet yes? The catch? We went to a funeral. My next door neighbour’s father, who was very old, passed away, and I offered to stay another day and go to the funeral. I have to admit, I did have an ulterior motive. I’d heard one of my childhood sweethearts would be there. And who isn’t curious to see their childhood sweethearts again? Back then she was blonde, blue eyes, bubbly, and reminded me so much of one of the Olsen twins. So suffice to say, although it was sad day, I was anxious/curious/interested (delete applicable) to seeing what she was like some years later.

As my mum and I walked up the steps to the church, when the congregation were waiting outside, I spotted the childhood sweetheart. She was a brunette. A still looked as lovely as before when she was blonde. We smiled at each other, with the look of recognition, as she registered who I was, cross her face. I heard her whisper to her older sister, “He looks so different.” I smirked. Then remembered I was at a funeral.

“I always find churches a great place for eye candy.” I told my flatmate A over one Starbucks too many. “I think it’s the whole forbidden love thing that makes it great. I remember once at one of my cousin’s Christenings I spotted the cutest girl I’ve seen in a while, she had that Spanish vibe going on, and you know I’m all over foreign girls.” I said, referring to the girl from the Czech Republic I’d kissed a couple of nights before on one of many nights out. “And for the rest of the service, I couldn’t stop thinking about this sweet, Church girl, who looked about 18 or 19. And she even helped out with the Sunday school.”

After the funeral service, my mum and I left and I gave a polite smile to the childhood sweetheart as she passed on her way to the burial in my neighbour’s car. She smiled back, looking shy.

“She looks so different,” my Mum said on the way back home in the car.

“Yeah...different.”

"Too Lost In You"

After several days of waiting for THAT text from Jaime, and still without THAT text from Jaime, I decided to join Haley and Brooke Carmientti, along with Brooke’s boyfriend and an old friend Tanya in Sunderland to see them all before heading back down south, or at least what I considered down south, to Leeds. Haley would be joining me in Leeds, but we still had good nights out together.

Innfusion was our first stop of the night and with it was semi-busy. There were a few familiar faces, and a lot more not familiar faces, but the trebles were cheap so I was game. Dancing on the table with Brooke ensued as the trebles disappeared and before I knew it we were off to The Black Bull for cheap drinks and dance music.

“Tanya! Let’s get a fish bowl!” I shouted to her over the beats of DJ Alex.

“Sex on the beach, Noah!” I received the message loud and clear.

Several days later I met Haley in town and we went for Starbucks, and even with the copious amounts of alcohol probably still in my system, I was still on my health kick.

“Grande Citron Tea please. To sit in.”

So, over my Citron Tea and her English Breakfast Tea, we discussed that night’s events.

“That fishbowl? Tanya didn’t even drink it. I had like three quarters of it and was absolutely fucked. I cannot even remember getting to Liquid, nor do I know why they actually let me in.”

“Well we saw you in there, and then you went missing.”

“I remember getting another drink in there. Then I lost everybody so I went outside to phone people.”

“Ohhh, ok.”

“Yeah. Then I remember ringing Jaime.”

Haley raised an eyebrow. “Really Noah? Drunk dialling? It’s never a good idea.”

“Well you can say that because you don’t drink. Anyway, I really don’t even remember what we spoke about. Apparently though, she was laughing at me, because I kept saying ‘intense’ and ‘no way man’.” I didn’t say this to Haley, because she and Jaime are quite close, but even though I don’t remember what we spoke about, I just remember it feeling so good to hear her voice again. I had to ask: what did this mean? There were so many questions running through my head about Jaime. It all felt so familiar. When was I going to admit that I loved her?

“You won’t believe who’s calling me right now.” She said, sipping her tea.

“Are you kidding me?” I said, in shock.

“Hi Jaime. How are you? Yeah I can talk. I’m just in Starbucks...with Noah.” There was a pause. “Ok ring me tonight. Bye. Yeah, she couldn’t talk once she knew you were here. So I wonder what it’s about.” She said, smirking and raising her eyebrow.

“Oh, be quiet.”

“So where exactly did you go after you left Liquid then?” Haley asked.

“I was lost...in the city...on my own. Can you believe that? Sunderland is hardly the safest place to be lost at night in. Even with the police presence, it’s still pretty scary. But I was gone. I don’t remember a thing. Oh wait, I remember climbing into a taxi, and thinking I was going to be sick. And the taxi driver pulled over and started shouting at me...something about an Indian wedding in the morning and I couldn’t possibly be sick in his cab.” There was a comfortable moment of silence as I scanned the room, like I usually do. “You know what?”

“What Noah?” Hayley replied, in the way that she always does. Almost as if she’s sick of me, even though I know she isn’t.

“In some crazy philosophical world, me being lost on Thursday night would be some great metaphor of me being lost in love with Jaime. Like, her love is confusing and I need to find it to get on.”

“Yeah, that’s flipping crazy alright. You sure you’re not just over thinking it?” Hayley always thought I was over thinking things, such as the wink at the end of a text message, or a certain glance someone may give me.

I left Hayley, telling her that I was going to miss my bus. Instead, I wandered down to the Quayside in Newcastle. It was one of the few sights of home that I missed. It was where Jaime and I had gone on our first date. It’s a place Madeline and I always visit during our catch up sessions. It is where I took Elle after we’d broken up. We spent the full day together after we officially ended, and it was nice. I looked around, and even in the chilly air or January, it hadn’t changed. The views. The people. It was exactly how I remembered. Then I had the urge to talk to Jaime. It was a shame I got the feeling she didn’t want to talk to me.

"New Year, New Drama"

Christmas came and went with very little drama, but this year, I was determined to make New Year a blast. After making plans, cancelling plans, and making more plans, I decided I’d best spend it with family – the people you can always count on. Too many self-made cocktails later, I was ringing in the New Year with a Christmas wreath as a hat, making myself first foot.

Several days, and several hefty hangovers later, I was invited for another night out in Newcastle.

“I really shouldn’t go,” I told Kiri over the phone, “I mean, not only is my bank balance seriously suffering, but I think my health is too!”

“Are you kidding? How many times have you been out?” She asked.

“Is it bad that I can’t remember?”

After some gentle persuasion on Kiri’s part and some heavy cravings for a bit of a party on my part, I was off out into Newcastle. Already the night had started rocky.

“Aren’t Haley and Brooke coming?” I asked, referring to the Carmientti twins, who knew a good night out.

“No, apparently Brooke is down, and Haley wants to try and cheer her up.” It was no secret that there’d been tension between Haley and Brooke, and Kiri and Samantha ever since their “girly holiday” to Zante ended with arguments over whether to sight see the Old Town or shop in the New Town, “where the shops are actually open.”

Fifth wheeling tonight, I thought to myself, thanks twins! Since the feeling of fifth wheeling isn’t exactly pleasant, I thought several red bulls might numb the awkwardness...OK, several vodka red bulls...OK, OK, several double vodka red bulls. Several turned into a number, and a number turned into me being really drunk. Alas, me being really drunk turned into dancing on podiums with random strangers while Kiri, Samantha, and their boyfriends, looked on, and of course, the obligatory drunk dial/text.

“In my defence, Jaime started it.” I told Kayla, as if I needed a defence. “She texted me saying that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. And it would be rude to not reply, would it not?”

A Caesar Salad, and a glass of water, due to my health binge, later, I was still recounting the tale of my drunken text spree to Kayla, who like me, is romantically confused.

“Well, then I thought it would be a great idea to quote One Tree Hill, but come on, when is it ever a great idea to quote a TV Show, let alone One Tree Hill?”

“What did you say to her?”

“Haha in my drunken stupor, I thought it was romantic but don’t judge me. I texted her saying ‘I’m the guy for you Jaime Green.’ Well after that several more texts were passed back and forth and then I fell asleep in bed.”

“Noah, you can’t just fall asleep on what could be the love of your life you know.”

“I’m sorry.” I said, smirking.

“Well what did she think to your little quote?”

“She thought it was cute, but she was drunk too so...”

That night I received a text message.

J: Are we just gonna pretend we didn’t text what we did then?
N: That could work for me. I get shy when I talk about my emotions.
J: Well, what do you want to do?
N: Well, I think we should go for it.
J: What happens if it doesn’t live up to all this hype that everyone’s built up.
N: Fuck everyone else Jaime, this is us, I know it can work. We can make it happen.
J: Do you want to come to Lancaster sometime, you know, to see if it can work?
D: I was thinking that. Great minds.
J: How about next weekend?
D: I kind of already have plans with my friends from home who I never get to see. Sorry! But don’t take this as a sign. This is not a sign.
J: Bad start already. Well I’ll text you.

Uh-oh, not good, I thought to myself. But I simply couldn’t ditch my friends for the potential love of my life, or could I? It would go against everything I believe and everything I’ve preached, but I guess this is what love feels like. Then there it was, the question I’d always dreaded. I may have dreaded it, but I couldn’t help but ask: so this is what love feels like?

Wait, what?!?!...was I in love?

"Festive Fun"

They say you never forget your first love, but I haven't yet had the chance to. After a semi uneventful train ride home, a lot of texting took place to ensure my night out in Newcastle was sorted. And it was. Another birthday of another acquaintance and I'd secured a "night outon the town" as the locals say. Although I knew Jaime would be there, what I didn't count on was all of my old feelings flooding back for her. It made me feel like how I did two years ago, a year ago... three months ago. Now.

“You look like Lauren Conrad, you know that?”

“Who is she?” Jaime responded.

“Only one of the hottest girls in the world,” I thought to myself. After taxiing together into the city, with half catch up half flirting going on, we decided to head to Players, the sports bar. "In Players we kinda kept our distance. Her on the dancefloor, me stood at the bar. But I kept like glancing at her..." I told Aspen. "Ah, to make sure no other guys try their luck?" "Exactly Aspen, exactly." But it was after Players, in the club Mood, that we finally connected. After a trip to the bar half an hour previously I found my glass empty. "Bar run! Anyone coming?" I shouted at my party of people over "Gimme More". "I will," Jaime piped up. Being slightly more than half drunk I didn't think anything of it. Walking back to the party of people on the dance floor, she said something, and then quickly stopped.

“What?” I asked.

“Ah, nothing, nothing.” She replied.

“No, say it.” I guess I sort of new what she was about to say.

“No!”

“Yes Jaime, just say it.”

“Well, I didn’t think I felt this way anymore but as soon as I saw you tonight it was just Wow!” She confessed.

“I know! That’s how I felt! I’m not even kidding.”

“Let’s go talk in that booth over there.” She instructed.

Several days later I took Skye to the Stateside Diner I’d discovered with Madeline. “Now, I’ve always been the type of person to be against PDA’s, but, this is Jaime. Jaime Jaime. It was like necessary, you know?” I told her, tucking into my pancakes with Maple syrup, and slurping up some of that good ol’ Cola. “I’ve also never been dry wanked in a bar before. So that was different.” I saw a woman glance over at the mention of “wank” before quickly glancing back. “Foreplay in the club followed by nothing on the dance floor.”

“What?” Skye said, looking puzzled.

“Well, like, after my ‘happiness’ subsided, we went back to the dancefloor and decided that we should keep it a secret and just tell everyone we’d been talking.”

“Did they buy it?”

“If they did, it was an awfully long chat we had, and with everyone knowing our history, it’s not exactly believable.” I sipped more of my Cola.

That night Jaime and I both attended a meal at Est Est Est on the quayside in Newcastle to reunite friends who had supposedly lost touch. What followed was a night of lustful glances, longingful glazes, and several strong cocktails containing flavours of vodka I never even knew existed. (Orange, Vanilla and Spice Vodka anyone?)


“So whats the deal with you and Jaime?” Aspen asked me at the end of the table, where the guys were sat.

“What do you mean?” He looked like he already knew.

“Come on Noah, this is our group of friends...news spreads fast.”

“Well, what do you want me to say? It was only a bit of ‘festive fun’. Nothing serious.” I was saying, exactly what I thought Jaime wanted to hear.

“Are you sure you see it like that?”

He had a point. I pondered for a second. “Yes...” To be honest, I was unsure. And I knew I looked it. There it was, the frown that gave it all away. Aspen raised an eyebrow. "Well? What are you getting for desert?"

"Taking The Leeds"

“I am in Leeds.” I thought to myself, after unpacking my belongings and setting out on a walk with my new flatmates Christian and Alison. We walked for five minutes until we were in the main shopping area of Leeds. “I can’t believe I’m here.” I was right. I had made it. It was a fresh start.

A week of hard partying later, including several make out sessions with random girls I don’t remember the names of, “yes, that’s how I roll” I later joked with my flatmate Christian, I decided to take it easy. It had all caught up with me, and I needed to save money. So, in an attempt to do so, I threw myself into my work. I caught up with reading I’d fallen behind with and I began reviewing albums in hope of getting some work. I’d been told NME would give you £2-per-word. I could deal with that.

“I’m sick of staying in.” I told Danny over the phone. “I just want to go and explore, meet new girls, keep on looking, you know? What’s going on in Newcastle?”

“To be honest mate, you’re not missing much at home. It’s pretty stale, like nothing’s changed.”

“Well, next weekend I’ll be home for Kayla’s birthday, so that could be exciting.”

“Yeah, it could be. Just don’t get your hopes up.”

“Um...ok.” That was strange. “Well, my kettle is boiling, yes my kettle. Jeez. I’m like an old person now.” I hung up. What did he mean by that? Maybe he was just looking out for me I thought to myself.

One night, a few days later, several of my flatmates and me went to Gatecrasher. Pre-Gatecrasher, in my money-saving mode, I’d bought a bottle of red wine for £3 and thought it would be a brilliant idea for me to drink it before leaving.

Picture this: a dark room, too many glasses of red wine, followed by too many shorts of vodka.

“There was lots of kissing, some body shots; add a little dirty talk, and wallah, that was my night.” I told Danny the following day, missing an appointment because I was too busy nursing a hangover. “I just remember me taking a drink from my glass and her whispering to me: ‘Stop it! It’s not fair! You’re making me so horny!’ I was just like ‘um...thanks!’”

“Then what did you do?”

“Took another sip, and she told me to ‘Stop it!’...again! Girls down here sure are a lot more forward than in Newcastle, which is completely not what I expected. I had to ask: could I use this to my advantage?

Across the city, a few nights later, my new friends and I were in Halo. It was a church that had been converted into a nightclub, which must have clearly caused strict Christian groups to cry out “blasphemy.” Anyway, it was in Halo that I was introduced to Faye. At first I noticed her confidence more than anything. She wasn’t a slut, but knew how to work it on the dance floor. She had that sexy thing going on. We flirted with each other, and I felt ‘the spark’. It can’t be described, but you know it when you feel it.

That night I got home and I thought. I wondered if the girls in Leeds were more forward because they knew what they want. They took the lead, and got what they wanted, when they wanted. But if women could do it, why couldn’t I? Maybe I should take the lead, then that way I won’t have situations that reflect what happened with Kaci, my best friend dating her before I did, and Jaime, having Miguel think he felt more for her than I did.

"A Little Older, A Little Wiser?"

My return from Barcelona brought some unwelcome questions that I hadn’t prepared answers for: What’s happening with you and Lyndsey? What’s happening with you and Jaime? What’s happening for your birthday?

My birthday was here and although I was a year older, I felt none the wiser when it came to women. Whilst sitting with Danny at breakfast one morning, I had a thought: what had I really learned about girls? That maybe I should turn gay. Well, maybe guys wouldn’t treat me as bad. Then again, although they treat me bad, and are confusing, I just can’t help but love the women.

“What have I really learnt in the past year about women?” I asked him.

He looked up from his bacon, eggs and baked beans, took a sip from his O.J. and said, “That you go for the cunts who treat you bad.” A woman with a child on the next table looked at him. “Fucking children.” He scowled at me.

“Well, I could have told you that. I honest to God think I'm no wiser than I was a year ago.”

A serious relationship, and several failed attempts at starting two serious relationships later; I was still getting burned by the girls I tried so hard not to get burned by. I had to think: was there any joy?

I looked at several of my friends. Samantha and Mark. Brooke and Brady. They had all managed to get into relationships, and find joy, and even love from them. How had they got it so right?

“Looking back,” I told Skye as I drove home from dinner with her, “every girl I’ve ever been with has been quite a bad experience.” Then I thought: maybe I had conditioned myself to not put myself out there fully and embrace the love that could be. “Ella was just a whole negative experience in itself. She was everything I wasn’t, and that just didn’t work for me. Jaime, well, she played me, and now she fucking wants me to go to lunch with her, just as ‘friends…or whatever.’ And Lyndsey, well, she blanked me on holiday.”

“Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from. But you can’t just give up. There’s someone out there Noah.” Ah, good old faithful Kayla: The eternal optimist. She’d found love at an early age, well, fifteen, and has been with him for the next four years. Her optimist was contagious.

“I guess so. But Jesus Christ why the stress?” I arrived at her house and told her I’d see her tomorrow. I was planning to be her guest, using her gym membership in a bid to lose weight and get fit for my move to Leeds. Maybe a toned, muscular Noah would attract new girls.

9am the next morning. “Hey. Lying on the beach getting a tan. Mwahaha. What the weather like there? Raining? What you up to? X” – It was Jaime. Didn’t she get I didn’t really want to talk to her? Maybe she didn’t get it because I actually did want to talk to her. I still liked her, but the Miguel situation still played on my mind.

Logging onto Facebook, which is pretty much the new MySpace, I saw Lyndsey’s status. Her summer was apparently over and she wasn’t happy about it.

“It’s probably because she missed out on your Summer Lovin’ Noah.” Danny texted me.

“Shut up! That’s just corny!” I closed my phone. The sun shone in my garden as I stood out there drinking a mug of coffee. I had a thought: maybe that’s all Lyndsey was – a summer romance that never was. But I had wanted so much for it to be, and it wasn’t. I knew I hadn’t tried hard enough.

So, the only thing I could figure out was that, although a little older, I certainly wasn’t a little wiser. Unanswered questions don’t bode well for a ‘wise Noah’.

"Escape to Barcelona"

After avoiding instant messages, phone calls and text messages from Jaime, I decided I needed to take ‘Operation Complete Ignorance Will Make The Situation Go Away’ up a step and I booked myself on a flight to Barcelona and stayed there for four days. Thank God for family living abroad, in particular my self-proclaimed “fabulous” gay brother.

So after a morning, and some of the afternoon, spent either in an airport, or airborne, I landed in the city of Barcelona. “I am ready to forget England and my drama there,” I told myself. After a bus ride from the airport, in which my brother had told me I’d gotten fat, I arrived at my brother’s apartment. We decided to drop my luggage off and then head down to a café come bar and meet up with his friend Diannah.

She was an African beauty, who was a one-time actress and had guest starred in many of Britain’s most famous dramas, such as ‘Casualty’ and ‘Eastenders’. Now, she teaches English to Spanish adults, while being hungover from the night before.

“Hi daahhrling! It’s great to meet you!” She greeted me in an accent that was so clearly exaggerated, but so clearly worked, as she kissed both of my cheeks. “Is it too early for wine?” She asked, ordering red wine with tonic.

My brother and I looked at each other, my brother almost telepathically telling me ‘I did warn you.’ She went onto talk about how she is playing two guys, French Marvin, and a guy called Dan. French Marvin is “lovely” but Dan has the “most perfect penis in the world.”

After spending the day in my brother’s boyfriend’s salon, I decided that I wanted to celebrate my new blondness, and wanted to test the theory that blonds have more fun, I decided to see what Barcelona’s night scene had to offer.

That night we had a Columbian meal, which included several hefty glasses of fine red wine. Half-buzzed, my brother and I headed to Diannah’s apartment, where more alcohol was consumed. Even more was consumed on our walk to the bar where we met more of their friends.

Several vodka and mixers in the first bar, with measures triple the size of what I'm used to, later, we merrily rolled along to ‘Club Mondo’. Along with Diannah, my brother and me, were about five Scottish friends of theirs. They’d all worked in Barcelona for the Summer, but were soon to return home. French Marvin and his friends were there, as was Albert, an American man who had managed to get us VIP Guest list in several bars.

‘Club Mondo’, a bar that overlooked Barcelona’s famous harbour, was beautiful, and it truly made you feel like a VIP. Of course, with this came VIP prices, so my brother and I shared several more Vodka and Mixers, along with a drink or two American Albert had scored for Diannah, who decided she wasn’t drinking that night.

We spent the night dancing, and I lost my self in what Barcelona had to offer. Jaime, Lyndsey and all the drama from England were gone. I was happy just to be in my brother’s company and having a great night. I had a thought: was a new hair colour, and escape to Barcelona, alcohol, and dancing all it took to let this drama go? Was it because I was in a new country that I decided I didn’t need old drama? Whatever it was, my night was drama free.

Several more Spanish cocktails followed in a new club ‘City Hall’ and the club closed. It was 4am.

“NO! I don’t want to go home. The night is young…C’est la vie! ...No...I mean Carpe Diem!” I swayed, whilst American Albert handed me a can of beer. “I love it here! I want to experience full Barcelona!”

“I know Noah, but I'm tired. We’re going to the Picasso museum in six hours time!” My brother pleaded. It was no use. I was a lost cause.

“Fuck Picasso! I want to party!” I began dancing under a marquee outside the ‘City Hall’ club.

“Listen, if you want you go home, I’ll look after Noah.” Diannah told my brother.

“No, I'm staying with him.”

We ended up at some house party where a pretentious young girl from London tried to make us think she knew what she was talking about…she didn’t.

“I'm tired. Let’s go.” I said to my brother. It was 7.30am. While we were leaving the grande apartment that seemed to have a million rooms, I ran into one of the kitchens, grabbed the Doritos, and ran. Diannah and my brother followed.

We stopped at a café that had just opened for the day: Diannah ordering a glass of wine, my brother a coffee, and me an iced coffee. We got home at 8.30am and I paid the price for the next two days.

“I’ve never vomited so much in my life. It was just constant. I couldn’t keep anything down.” I told Danny when I got home. “But hey, I lost four pounds. And that’s good considering I’ve put on twelve since May.”

“Well, what’s good is bad and what’s bad is good.” He told me.

“What the fuck is that? That’s not a saying!” I laughed. I knew what he meant, every cloud has a silver lining. And maybe my drama in England was my escape to Barcelona. And my escape to Barcelona was my great night out. After all, it had been an escape after my break-up with Ella that had helped me out. Was escaping the new dealing head on with your problems? It was an interesting thought.

“So what are you doing for your birthday next week?” Danny asked me.

“Good question…”

"Someday We'll Know - Part Two"

Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue. Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you.

“Oh great, Kiri is by herself.” I told Skye, whilst in my head debating whether I should go back – not only wanting to save Kiri but to have things out with Jaime, to find out where I stood, truthfully. “Aidan, stop the car! I'm getting out!” It was all quite dramatic.

“No Noah, you’re staying. You can’t go back by yourself.” Skye insisted.

“Kiri’s by herself. I'm not going back to see Jaime. Why would I want to? She’ll probably just hurt me more.” I lied again. Well sort of. Part of me was going back to see Jaime, even though I knew that it would probably hurt me more.

Aidan pulled over and I jumped out. I ran back to StoneLove @ Digital where we had been and went back in. I look all over for Jaime and Kiri. I couldn’t see them anywhere. I looked for Madeline but also couldn’t see her.

“Great!” I thought to myself. “No good deed truly does go unpunished.”

I left StoneLove and went into The Other Rooms, which is next door. There Kiri was, sat with the Carmientti twins.

“I'm so sorry I told you that. I just didn’t want to see you be made a fool of.” Hayley gushed.

“It’s alright. I’d rather know now than when I got into a relationship with her.” Another lie. It wasn’t all right. It was almost as if she told me, not expecting it to effect me. I just couldn’t help but feel I might have been over-exaggerating, something confirmed by Brooke, who told me to “get over it. You two go on about stuff but you never do anything about it.” To which I told her to, quite bluntly, “shut the fuck up.”

I decided that I needed to speak to Jaime. I texted her, after seeing several missed calls from her, and said: “I got out of the car. Where are you? I think we need to speak.”

After what felt like an hour of waiting for a reply, I made my way to the taxi rank with Kiri. It was good just to forget about the situation and talk about our future, especially with Kiri since our views on stuff are quite similar. And as the taxi made its way over the Tyne Bridge, with the Quayside lit up the way it was, I couldn’t help but feel a little cathartic. Talk of the future, that nights events with Jaime, and just knowing I’d been anonymous in a new city – it made me feel like I was ready to move on.

Was it this that would make it easier for me to move on? What was it that made me know that I'm ready to start again? It was an interesting thought.

The next morning, or should I say afternoon, Madeline and I went into the city and had a late, late breakfast; and over my pancakes with syrup and waffles and syrup, I told her about the events of the night before. Surrounded by Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and James Dean memorabilia, Madeline nodded, and was supportive, which is what I felt I needed more than anything. It was then that I had a thought: I was really going to miss these random trips into the city. Everytime we saw each other was like a catch-up, but it felt as though we’d never been apart. Would things change after I leave?

As I settled down for an early night, I just couldn’t help but think that someday I’ll know why these things happen - if love can move a mountain, why the sky is blue, and why I wasn’t meant for you.

"Someday We'll Know - Part One"

Another night, and it was another celebration. I’d found out that my planned move to Leeds for university was successful and I was leaving September 22nd. So, I gathered a group of my friends, who were also celebrating, and we headed into the city to toast the future.

I had met up with Skye and her boyfriend/might as well be fiancé Aidan. Aidan was driving so Skye and I slowly got drunker and drunker, opting for cocktails. After drinking several Cosmopolitans, followed by a Mango Margarita, I had successfully persuaded Skye to leave Aidan for the night and spend a night on the town with me.

“Noah I'm scared. This is my first time out ever without Aidan.” She confessed to me as we walked to the next bar.

“Don’t worry. You’re in safe hands. I'm a veteran.” I reassured her. To her credit, it must have been nerve wracking, especially since Aidan was almost like her security blanket. After arriving at the next bar and meeting and introducing more friends to Skye, I texted Madeline. “We have a breakthrough! Skye is out without Aidan!! See you later! XX”

As more drinks flowed, so did my emotions. It was then I saw Jaime. Since our night at her house where things got hot and heavy, we’d barely spoken, with the exception of a text here and there. We’d both been busy and we both have lives. Sometimes that just happens, I told myself. My friend Lauren had visited from London so Ashley and I had spent from Friday to Tuesday entertaining her and showing her the sights and sounds of the North East of England. We’d played football in the park, rented movies, been the beach. It was a good weekend. So when I saw her, it felt good. I asked her where she was heading after the current bar, Huxters.

“I'm not sure, probably just see where everyone else heads too.”

“Well, I’ll be at StoneLove at Digital, so yeah, look for me if you go there.”

We kissed goodbye and my friends and I moved onto StoneLove. There we met up Madeline, her boyfriend Adam, and their friends Curry and Lucy. Lucy was a fashion designer/photographer, whose style was reminiscent of the ‘bohemian chic’ Mary-Kate Olsen, and Curry was her roommate who worked with Adam. Both nice, warm and friendly…but that could have been the poppers.

It is said that the truth is sometimes only told when you’re under the influence, but what excuse do the sober people have? It was after the Jack Daniels, but before the Absolut, that Hayley Carmientti told me the truth about Jaime.

Standing at the bar, having just ordered an Absolut & Coke, Hayley walked over to me.

“Oh yeah, Jaime was going to sleep with Miguel on Tuesday. The only thing that stopped her was that they didn’t have any condoms.”

How was I meant to process this information? Was I thankful for Hayley telling me? She later said that she only told me because she didn’t want me to be made a fool of. But thanks to her telling me, I had all sorts of questions running through my head.

I later asked Ashley whether I was over-reacting, to which she replied: “No, fair enough you aren’t technically together, but you just don’t do that if you’re, you know, in the process.” Good answer.

“You know what Hayley, I don’t need this.” I grabbed my drink, Skye and Madeline and headed to the dance floor. I joined Madeline for a cigarette outside, choosing to passively smoke, knowing she wouldn’t encourage my social smoking.

“Noah, please cheer up. I know this has happened, but don’t let it ruin your night.” She told me. It was true, this summer had been one of the best of my lives – I was successful in everything I tried. I had been so lucky! And I know Madeline, probably more than anyone, was the most proud of me.

“It’s not that. I won’t,” I lied. “I'm just so fucking hungry.”

The clock struck one and I walked Skye to Aidan’s car. “Fuck this. I'm going home. I'm not going to enjoy myself.” I climbed into Aidan’s car, and while doing so, I finally got service on my phone, and a flood of text messages came in.

Jaime – “Where are you? I'm coming now. XX” She obviously hadn’t received my obligatory ‘thanks for ruining my night!’ text. I replied telling her I was in the car, going home after a shit night out.

Kiri – “Please don’t leave me. Samantha and her boyfriend have left me by myself. Where are you?”

I thought to myself ‘oh great, not only is Jaime on her way, but I’ve abandoned Kiri and she’s on her own’. What a great night this was shaping up to be…

"The Ball Game"

Some have said that summer simply isn’t summer without a visit to the beach. Lucky for my friends and I, the beach was a ten-minute drive away. So, after a ten-minute drive, in which my air conditioning wasn’t sufficient, we arrived at the beach – we being me, the Carmientti twins, Brooke’s boyfriend Brady, and Saycon. We met Jaime in the fairground and our trip to the beach soon turned in a trip to the fairground followed by the beach.

“Well, looks like we’re in a cart together. I really don’t fancy driving.” I told Jaime, as the others conveniently paired with each other leaving Jaime and I alone. Several fairground rides later we found ourselves on the beach, the very place I’d come to when contemplating my relationships with Lyndsey and Jaime.

“Make. Your. Move.” Brooke whispered to me, as Brady, her and I wandered ahead.

“Tell her to butt out,” Brady added, before kissing her, apologetically.

I smiled. The truth was: I wanted to make a move. But it just felt so forced and awkward knowing that I had an audience. I didn’t want to declare my feelings for Jaime as if I were on stage, delivering lines from some Shakespeare play, whilst having my performance and stage technique being critiqued by the audience (Saycon, Hayley, Brooke and Brady). But before I knew it, the trip to the fairground followed by the beach had come and gone, as had mine and Jaime’s awkward goodbyes. I was in my car driving home

“It just didn’t feel right, you know, having everyone watching. It was like being under the microscope, and I didn’t like the feeling that maybe someone was judging me.” I told Saycon before taking her back to her house.

“Yeah, Noah. You just have to do what you think is right. Don’t let anyone else influence you.”

Although I’d always tried not to let people influence me, was this a prime example of what I had learned was social influence? Social influence: having an action or decision influenced by society. It was an interesting thought.

On my arrival at home, my SidekickII told me, “New Message.” It was Jaime.

“Hey there. Do you fancy coming to mine tonight for some food? Jaime xxx”

“Sure! I love the food! How is 7.30? Noah xxx”

“7.30’s good. See you then. Jaime xxx”

I immediately dialled Kayla. “Kayla. Guess where I'm going tonight?” I didn’t give her the chance to answer. “Jaime’s house. I'm kind of nervous.”

“You are? I'm so excited for you. So is it like a date?” She asked.

“Oh wow, I don’t know. I guess so, I mean, what else could it be?”

“So why are you going round? What are you gonna do round there?”

“She invited me for ‘food’ but since she has the house to herself I'm guessing it’s more of a ‘food and…’ situation.”

“Well, have fun. Let me know how it goes!”

So at 7.25pm I took the five minute drive from mine to hers and I arrived, baring no gifts. And there our ‘is-it-a-date’ date ensued. We said our hellos and small, but pleasant, talk followed.

“So what’s on the menu for tonight?” I asked.

“Well, I haven’t made anything yet but I'm thinking maybe just pasta and a sauce?”

“Oh yeah, sounds good. I’ll get to help too.”

More conversation followed, and as did a bottle of red wine, which I drank over half of, telling myself it would take the edge off…off of what I do not know. Jaime, however, stuck to the water, trying to detox herself after a wild week.

It was the morning after the night before that I had spent at Jaime’s and my good friend Ashley came by my house and I drove us to the park. There, amongst families and lovers, two good friends talked about the night before.

“So, come on, spill,” Ashley teased.

“Well, we kissed and,” Ashley cut me off.

“You kissed? What base did you get too?”

“What base did I get to?” What was I? A fourteen year old all-American boy? “I don’t even understand how that works.”

“Well, first base is kissing, second base is hands, third base is mouth, and forth base is all the way.”

“Ok, well second base. There was a lot of groping. Like, one second we were watching ‘What About Brian’ on TV, and the next we were kissing. We kissed sitting up. We kissed standing up. We kissed lying down, me on top of her, her on top of me. And we kissed spooning on her sofa, before nearly falling asleep. Let’s just say that it was hard to control myself.” I later told Aspen that my balls were practically blue by the time I got home. I was sure this was something that Ashley, or Kayla, or even Madeline would have appreciated.

Driving home though, I thought to myself why hadn’t things gone further? Why hadn’t I hit my blue balls out of the park and ran like my life depended on it to forth base? There was just a sexual chemistry I felt that night, but what I did know was that this ball game definitely wasn’t over.

"Confusion in Clarity"

Back in January Aspen, Jayden and I had booked a holiday to Magaluf on the Spanish island of Mallorca. It was sort of a celebration of finishing the academic year and an excuse to have no-strings sex with no repercussions. I’d been told to expect tacky beyond belief, with the usual violent riots at 5am…and that I expected. But once there, it was a lot less tacky and a lot less violent than my expectations had led me to believe. Magaluf consisted of foam parties, raves, popcorn parties, raves, foam parties, vodka, raves, stripclubs, and even more raves. Getting home, the inevitable question was asked by all of my friends.

“Look, the closest I came to having sex was a European kiss on each cheek from a Spanish lady I spoke to in Spanish for a couple of minutes.”

The truth was, Aspen began speaking to her in English, before I realised that she was Spanish and chipped in with what little Spanish I knew. Before bidding her farewell with “Adios Bonita!”

However, how I’d planned Magaluf was a lot different to how it actually turned out. Lyndsey was going to be there on our last night, so; clearly we were both thinking something would happen. But it didn’t.

“I only saw her for five minutes and I felt like she blanked me.” I told my good friend Charlotte. We’d known each other since birth, our mothers being childhood best friends.

“Really. That’s shit.”

“Yeah. Tell me about it. So, I’ve made a conscious decision. It’s time to get over Lyndsey…and get under Jaime.” It’s true, Jaime and I shared a history, and I do prefer the blondes.

A couple of nights after my return from Magaluf, a not-so-tanned Danny and a newly tanned me shared a few beers whilst watching a late night game of baseball. “Do you not think part of your appeal to Lyndsey was the gimmick of it being Danny and Sandy?”

“No…she was hot.” I replied, shrugging off Danny’s very interesting point. But I had a thought: could Danny actually be right? What did I actually know about Lyndsey? I knew that she owned a dildo. I knew that she couldn’t pass her driving test. But was this enough information for me to validate my attraction to her?

The next morning I got into my car and drove. I just drove…and carried on driving until I ended up at the beach. So, there I sat on a sand dune, watching this great, vast ocean, crashing onto the shore. It was there I thought. I thought about my whole relationship with Jaime. What we’d gone through. How I’d really never stopped thinking about her. How she was the most passionate kisser I’d ever kissed. And how she was honest and kind and genuine and open. And my mind was made up. It was time to stop messing around, trying to win both Lyndsey and Jaime, and I set my sights on the prize, Jaime.

I knew that it had been something that I’d been working towards for two years, even if it had been subconsciously. Even after she broke up with me, and I stopped talking to her, it didn’t mean that I had stopped thinking about her. All I wanted now was to kiss someone, be passionate with someone, walk hand-in-hand with someone…and just enjoy someone’s company. It was almost like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, a sort of moment of clarity, and in that moment my decision had been made.

As I drove home though, I was forced to ask the question: if we got into a relationship, how would it be shaped by the big changes about to take place in both of our lives? We were both moving away in September to different places, and I’d never been a fan of long-distance relationships. Plus, I’d heard rumblings she still had another guy in her life…Miguel. Since I’d chosen to get over Lyndsey, would I have to ask Jaime to choose too?