"Hello?"

It has been approximately two and a half years since I last wrote here. Looking back at what I’ve written, I can’t get over how much I made of what I would now consider to be small events. I mention MySpace (one for some of the older kids reading). I have entries on there from 2004, that’s almost seven years ago. I feel so much has changed, yet I’m not really any wise. I do, however, cringe at some of the things that I wrote. I reveled in the nightlife and how I’d be on guest lists. It’s a surprise I even remembered any events to write about. But I did. And those were real things that really happened to me.

So where am I now? I’m with degree (BA Hons) and still living in Leeds with my three best mates. I work for a major mobile communications company trying to recover debt from customers. Jaime, Ella and Lyndsay are all distant memories, with only occasional Facebook messages and BBM’s. And what about the other girl that was in my life? The will-they-won’t-they dynamic I had with Faye. Well, she’s still in my life. And we are still will-they-won’t-they.

Last you heard she was dating a new guy after leading me on. Well, they stopped seeing each other after several weeks and when she returned to Leeds we barely saw each other. We’ve seen each on-and-off since, never really committing to anything. I still can’t help but wonder: what the fuck is going on?

One drunken night at a mutual friends birthday I declared my love, and to be fair to Faye, she took it on the chin and we still joke about it to this day.

After a period of maybe four or five months of no contact, I decided ‘enough is enough’ and we began talking again, almost daily now for two or three weeks. It was almost as if not having a New Years kiss spurred me on. That’s not to say the only reason I’m making any sort of effort is because I was sad I didn’t have a New Years kiss, except with two of my housemates which was totally bromosexual. I think I’ve just kicked my arse into gear, a new year and no longer afraid. We’ve been making plans, discussing our days and reliving old memories. We had planned a road trip to the seaside as our first ‘official’ date, but that was postponed as she has had to move house ASAP because her friend split up with her boyfriend who’s Dad just so happens to own the house they live in. Being the strong man I am, I said I’d help move boxes in return for a cup of tea. Cheeky.

What I’ve realized looking back is how I have completely changed, yet I’m exactly the same. I think the word is: older. I’m so much more ready to get into a relationship now than I ever have been in my whole entire life. Every time I’m with Faye I find my old emotions flooding back, and they’ve never felt so real or current. I find myself, as sad as this is, waiting by the phone for her to call or text. Maybe we’re both ready to take the leap of faith that is so definitely overdue.

I’ll keep you updated.

"Always Too Late"

A couple of weeks back I travelled down to Leeds to visit the housemates. We ended up randomly painting our living room... So, we now have a feature wall. Pretty sophisticated if you ask me.

One of my other reasons for going down was to see Faye. Since moving home for this job I haven’t stopped thinking about her. Well, I obviously have, but every so often she’d crop up in my mind. Little reminders such as the perfume someone was wearing to their accent all brought me back to memories of her. A couple of days before my visit I received a text message from her. Spelling mistakes aside, I thought she might be drunk.

Faye: “Mr Noah. You better be in Leeds on Thursday or else! ;-) xxxx”
Noah: “Yeah I’ll be there. As well as Wednesday, Friday and Saturday xxx”

So let’s just cut to the chase, whilst decorating my housemates phone buzzes. It’s Faye. So she asks me to pass her the phone but I already slid it open and saw the text which says:

Faye: “Oh, I forgot to tell you too, as of yesterday Chris and I are official.”

“Who is it?” my housemate asked.

Stumbling over my words I said, “Fayola.” Fayola? What. The. Flip?

That night we met up with Faye at her house for pre-drinks. The drunker she got the more she flirted. And as we walked to the bars, she was being very tactile. There was interlinking hand holding (oh yeah, try saying that when you’re drunk), butt slapping and lots of couple type hugging (you know the type, the way couples hug and not the way friends or family hug). Confusing signals. All the while I knew that she had this boyfriend.

You would have thought that Jaime would have made me learn my lesson, obviously not. Fooling me twice, well that’s a shame on me.

The train ride home was somber. I could only ask myself: what do I do now? The only tangible avenue I can take is moving on (which I'm pretty much good at now). But who knows what will come once my job is up and I get back down to Leeds.

"Lesson Learned"

Note to self: when planning on getting drunk do not take any personal belongings. On three seperate occasions now I've lost personal belongings when drunk. First my wallet, second my iPod, and now my house keys. Thank God I'd taken my car key off the keyring before I left the house...that coulda be trouble.

"A Reminder"

Seeing photos of Jaime with her boyfriend Rory was always going to shake me a little. So when a new photo album from their trip to Portsmouth popped up, I was intrigued to look. Even though I knew it would hurt, I had to look anyway. Curiosity got the better of me, I guess. And I found exactly what I expected: the “couple” photos.

There were photos of them in embraces, kissing, holding hands and frolicking on the beach. And it did hurt. Thoughts of ‘that could have been me’ went through my head. I suddenly felt something come over me. Then I had a thought: I was glad that wasn’t me in the photo. Jaime looked happy, but what she was doing while she wasn’t around Rory told a very different story. Seeing Rory looking blissfully happy, I felt this overwhelming pity. Doesn’t he have the right to know what his beloved girlfriend has been doing?

I brought it up with my friend Kayla. “Haley says that she really loves Rory though.”

“If she really loved him, which I doubt she actually does, she would respect him and wouldn’t cheat on him.”

“True dat bro, true dat,” I replied, with a smile.
Knowing what I know, the ‘what could have been’ with Jaime has now become the ‘what I wouldn’t have wanted’...and right now, with Jaime, that’s the way I like it.

"Stupid Girl"

Ex-girlfriend Ella has now become Ex-Friend Ella. I found out at a party I attended a week ago, while I was trying to hook up with one of her friends (who incidentally didn’t know I was Ella’s ex), that she’d told everyone I was gay after I broke up with her. Being slightly wasted and I didn’t really know how to process the info. So, I did what any intoxicated person would: I got even drunker, while composing a text message that would sum up perfectly how I felt.

N: “You told everyone I was gay? WTF?”

Perfect, huh? No, I didn’t get a reply. No, I haven’t spoken to her since, nor do I intend to, unless it is of course confronting her (which I do intend on doing).

But, this little drama has raised a few questions for me. There is the age old question of can you ever really be friends with your ex? After breaking up with Ella and keeping in touch and staying friendly, I thought it was possible, but apparently this isn’t the case. Also, for a good Christian girl, supposedly, how can she be vicious? Well, that’s her going to hell then.

"The Single Stigma"

Something I've noticed lately, that I hadn't taken that much notice of before, is the stigma attached to being ‘single’. Whether it be the look of pity that comes over someone’s eyes as they find out you’re without a partner or whether it’s expectation that if you’re on your own your partner must have come to the party on your own. No, I came on my own, and I’m proud to admit it. I’m not an invalid, and I don’t need to be taken places.

Over the past few months, since I came home, I’ve been to several family gatherings, which means getting to see family members I haven’t seen in quite some time. And of course I get the inevitable questions: how are you? Good health? How is Leeds? How is work? And then onto the question I don’t care for: so you’re still single then? And, don’t you have a girlfriend then?

“No...no girlfriend.” I reply.

And the look of pity crosses their faces. I should say that it’s my choice to be single and that I enjoy the lifestyle I lead, but on the other hand I shouldn’t have to defend myself, or justify the decisions I decide to make. If they want to pity me let them do it. At the end of the day, they can’t go out any night of the week and party like the best of them.

The look of pity I receive so often comes from, in my opinion, people assuming that your choice to be single is the only choice you have. No one wants you. When in fact, I could be in a relationship right now, but when it came to choosing, I found myself not ready to give up the liberties you have when you’re single. I love the single life, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I love that I don’t have to fight with anyone about what DVD we’re going to watch. I love walking around the city on my own, admiring the sites. I love not having to discuss my plans with anyone in case it clashes with their plans. I love being an ‘I’ and not a ‘we’. I love ‘table for one’ dinner parties...OK, not so much with the last one, but I think you get my point.

At another of the said family gatherings my uncle, who is a twice married, twice divorced Rod Stewart wannabe, invited my cousins (who all have girlfriends) to a dinner party he was having for his girlfriend (can people over 40 still refer to their partners as girlfriend/boyfriend?) and even though I was in the room, sitting next to one of my cousins, he failed to invite me and left the room. In the wake of this, I realised several things. The first being that, apart from my one year old cousin, I am the only single family member left. The second is that because I’m single I’m apparently not very good company and not eligible to dinner parties thrown by the serial dater that is my uncle. Are single people considered lepers? Overreaction, I know. But still, it was obviously the reason why I wasn’t included...but that’s not to say I would have gone anyway. It’s the principle people.

"76 Days Later"

A whole bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks since my last blog and I feel no further forward, nor do I feel I’ve gone back. In that bunch of minutes, hours, days and weeks I had a one night stand (with Haley’s friend) and then reconciled with Faye because of that one night stand, and by reconciliation I mean we kissed, and drunkenly discussed a relationship before she ran home – as the cool kids would say: WTF? I moved home for a job opportunity with my friend Ashley which will last until September. Oh, and I also had an encounter with Jaime...twice.

The first time was when she came to Leeds to visit Haley. I rejected an invitation for a night out with them and settled for picking her up from the train station, slightly awkward conversation with her over cappuccinos, and watching Indy tackle the Temple of Doom with Glynn (who is moving into a new house with us when our lease at our flat is up.) The next morning I met Haley and Jaime and found out she’d basically drunk too much wine, and ended up losing her purse, ID’s and bank cards. Is it nasty if I call it karma? She saw me and hugged me (awkward...) and started sobbing onto my shoulder. I offered her a hoody (my good deed for the day).

The next was when Haley invited me to Tiger Tiger in Newcastle with Jaime. I had work, serving people pints of beer and cocktails, so decided to head over after work after knocking off early (it was a Monday so we weren’t particularly busy.) Being the designated driver for the evening, having driven straight from work changing my t-shirt in the car park adjacent to St. James’ Park, I was on Red Bull. And after some shameless dancing with an inebriated Jaime and Haley, we called it a night at 3am and headed home. I dropped Haley off first, almost on purpose just to see what, if anything would happen between Jaime and me...masochist I know!

Jaime: Your iPod...every song...ugh...it’s like we have the same mind.
Noah: Well I’m glad you like the songs.
Jaime: You need to send me them, or...make me a CD.
Noah: Sure thing.
-silence as we pulled up to her house-
Jaime: You just get it Noah.
Noah: What?
Jaime: Everything. You just get IT!
Noah: Really? Well that’s cool.
-pause-
Jaime: I’ve missed you.
-Jaime hugs me, awkwardly leaning over gear stick and hand break-
Jaime: I really have. I have missed you.
-I try to dislodge from embrace and there is a ‘moment’ the type of ‘moment’ that happens before a kiss ensues, I break said ‘moment’ by pulling away-
Jaime: I really have missed you, you know.
Noah: I know.
Jaime: Well stop being such a guy about it and get emotional.
Noah: Well, I’ve missed you too. (It was half true, I sort of had missed her.)

We hugged, said our goodbyes, and Jaime added: “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

I relayed all of this to Haley over coffee and all she could say was “Poor Rory, Jaime might be a good friend, but she’s such a bad girlfriend.”

So, 76 days since my last blog and where am I? No further forward than I am back? I don’t know. I’m happy being single. Let’s leave it at that...